Dear Amy (part 2)

Dear Amy, 
I know my last letter was harsh but you need to understand that I have not had an easy life. I may have wanted for nothing but it does not compare to the shit that has happened to me. 
I am angry because you never even gave me a chance or a choice. I would have rather struggled and been with you, stayed with you, like I was supposed to, than this. I know you did what you thought was best but it wasn’t good enough. 
Growing up, I saw the mother-child bond my siblings had with my mom. The one you can only have if you’ve come from their womb. I never got to experience that kind of bond, that kind of love. 
Growing up, I always felt out of place in my family. I never fit in. I knew I was not like them. I did not belong with them, to them. From a young age, I tried running away, saying I wanted to go home to my real mom. 
I know I already mentioned this in the last letter but every year on my birthday, when most children wished for things, I wished for you. I never wished that you would be some amazing person to steal me away. I just wanted to know you. I just wanted you. 
You have always been the only person I ever wanted to know. The most important person to ever exist. The person I love unconditionally. And because of that, I hate you more than anything. Because of that love, I am angry. Angry does not even begin to describe how I feel. 
I feel abandoned. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved. I hate myself because I wasn’t good enough to keep. 

Finding you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Having you in my life for those 5 short years, were the best moments I could ever dream of, even if we had our fights. 
I know, I wasn’t what you were expecting. I wasn’t what you had hoped I’d be. That we didn’t see eye to eye. 
I only wish you had worked through your demons, so we could have been in each others lives longer. I had no choice but to cut ties with you. The constant feeling of being accepted and rejected but you, the most important person I will ever know, cut like a thousand knives because of how much I love you. 

I was for the better when you were in my life. I was happier. I finally felt that bond but it wasn’t enough for you to just accept me as I am. 
On top of everything, I finally had you… But all you wanted was your baby. You didn’t want me. 

I can forgive you for the things you said now but I don’t know how to forgive you for abandoning me. 
If only you would hear me. Then maybe, I could forgive, begin to forgive you.
I love you 

Always and forever,

Bean
11-20-17

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