Dear Amy

Dear Amy, I’m never going to give you this letter but it’s finally time I confront you, well, my feelings about you and my adoption. The feelings that I have buried so deep inside. The one thing that I have never been able to talk about. I can talk about the sexual abuses and other traumas in my life but you, what it means to me, I have never uttered a word to another living soul. 

So, this is me, finally letting go of all of it.

I’m not exactly sure where to start. I guess, it’s best to tell you how I feel. I’m really fucking angry. That is the best way I can say it. I’m so mad. And sometimes, I really hate you, I hate your fucking guts for what you did. I hate you for abandoning me, for giving me up. I hate you for leaving me with abusive parents, to live this horrible, miserable life. I hate you because you couldn’t take care of me. I hate you because you didn’t want me. I hate you because you did this to me. This is all your fault. I hate you because you didn’t have an abortion. 

My life has been hell. I was made fun of since I was a child for being adopted. My broth and sister told me constantly, that I was not their real sister. I had kids make fun of me, tell me you gave me up because I was a piece of shit. 

Growing up, I had things but the only thing I wished for every birthday was you. 

My father, sexually and physically abused me, my mother has emotionally and mentally abused me for 28 years, my siblings bullied me, kids bullied me, my first boyfriend raped me, abused me in every way possible, I had the one thing I ever wanted torn from me, and when I was up alone crying all those nights, contemplating suicide, trying to commit suicide, or cutting myself… Where were you? Where were you when all of this was happening to me? You just abandoned me, to strangers. Your own fucking baby, at 3 weeks. Not once but twice. I went through hell and you just went on living. 

When I was a teenager and going through all those changes, trying to learn my identity… Where were you? I didn’t know who I looked like in this world. All I wanted to know was who I looked like. Do you know how hard that is for a child? I just wanted to know where I came from. When we had to do those family trees as little children, do you know what that felt like? Do you even fucking care?
11-19-17

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