Why did I just put myself through that? Earlier, I was looking at an old journal app, I have on my iPad. It only has three entries, from 2013. I read them in chronological order. The last, was the beginning of what would end up being the biggest trauma in my life. I didn’t know it at the time, since it was speculation.
Reading that, gave me the dumb fucking idea to bring my journals from the time of the trauma, well the days and months after, to read, as I sit in the car waiting for my boyfriend while he’s in a meeting.
I have always been a firm believer in exposure therapy. Especially for PTSD. That’s because I’ve used it before to desensitize myself to being sexually, physically mentally and emotionally abused. It really worked, at least in the sense that when I passed my exes house, I would not freak out.
Anyways, I am sitting in this car, and I begin to read. The first entry, 4 days after the trauma. The entry is an exact, word for word description of what happened. How much more exposure can you get!? Now, I’m hysterical, I am reliving this all over again. Minute details I forgot.
It’s been 4 years, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over this. But, I think this was a good first step. I’d rather confront this on my own terms, than in therapy. On my own time, in the comfort and privacy of my own space. Where I feel safe.
I think I can do this. I’ve done it before.