This morning, well it’s still morning… BOOM, out of nowhere, even still, as I’m writing this, the darkness is trying to drown me. No thoughts provoked it, no situation, nothing. The darkness, just said, “ Hey, it’s time to destroy you, consume you.” And I’m left here, paralyzed… suffering, screaming on the inside.
I went to the first thing I ever learned, CBT. Which is cognitive behavioral therapy. In easy terms, it’s basically changing your thinking from negative to positive. So, I tried really hard to think of good things, I really did but I realized how fucking exhausting that was.
It dawned on me, while I was doing this, just how exhausting it really is to actively try to cope. That it must be wonderful to be a “normie”. How they have these coping mechanisms built within in them, that just get used without having to think of them, for situations that are not so mentally draining, as a thing many of you know as the darkness.
I finally understood why my mental illness was so draining. It wasn’t that being in it was draining. I’m not saying it’s not because part of it is. But it’s fighting it. The actively trying to combat these horrible feelings and not just that, the natural instinct we all have to survive that kicks in as well. It’s all just so G-D damn draining.
On a dark note, it did not work. I ended up putting on ‘hurt’ by Nine Inch Nails and seriously thinking about life. What did help was and is writing this. Telling you this. Maybe, knowing that someone out there, fucking gets it, ya know? Or that a “normie” will read this, and it will finally get through their thick skull and maybe they’ll say to themselves, “maybe they aren’t just lazy”. Maybe this will help end that G-D forsaken stigma!
If it does any of that, even just a little, I’ll know I’ve done something good in this world. That all of this isn’t for nothing. That I can tolerate it just a bit longer to see it do some good in the world, even while it’s doing this… just maybe.