Light bringer

You’re the best and worst kind of love

The safest and most dangerous

Kindest and cruelest

Yet you disguise yourself as an angel

But that’s my fault,

I never asked if

You were fallen

If you were the light bringer

I’ve seen a darker born version of you

My first actually

I swore after his head scramble

No one would affect me

Make me feel

Make me afraid to lose them

Like he did

Hook,line and sinker

I didn’t even see it coming

Because you’re a different kind

You still deeply love

You need to protect

You make me better

You see now, all angels have wings, even the fallen ones and…

The light bringer in the dark, Lucifer because he too was once an angel…you

-B. 4-26-18

Look at me!

Why don’t you see me

You never see me

You’ve never seen me

Why don’t you hear me

I scream in front of you

I yell at you

But nothing hits you

Why can’t you accept this?

All of this

These pieces

That make up, me

All you see, all you hear

Is everything you want to know

I was never anything

Not in your eyes

Not in my own

Not until I picked myself up…

-B.

1-5-18

I soared…

I guess this is the way it is now

The way the course has run

You’ve said it all

Shown all you’re cards

I know your games

I know your tricks

You wicked thing

Twisting and poisoning the life out of me

I guess this is where we are now

I’ve seen your face underneath that mask

I’ve seen your soul, so full of darkness

So is this what you’ve become

Is this what we are

Or should I say I am no longer

Disowned by you

Now only one daughter,is what you have

But the joke is on you

Because you didn’t clip my wings

You pushed me off the edge

And I soared…

aren’t you scared now, mother…

-B.

5-5-18

5am

5 am

I have not slept a wink

Staring out the window

Laying in bed

Waiting for the morning light

The sun to rise

For the rays to shine through

My heart is pounding

I am exhausted

But I am awake

My mind is whirling

Where did the time go?

The birds are awake now

But no one else is

Except me and them

And there’s a calmness in that

A secret in that

Like a whisper

And I wait

For the morning sun

To shine through

To awaken the world

And brighten my room

But until then, this is our secret…

-B.

5-24-18

Psychiatric meds: a frustrated rant

Nowadays, it seems like, they don’t want to see you get better. They want to create consumers. That is, Big Pharma, the Dr’s, hospitals, intensive outpatient treatments, any place that would have you on medication management for psychiatric disorders.

I am speaking from my own experience of course. I mean, I will be the first to tell you that psych medication is a great thing. I find it endlessly fascinating. And in the right circumstance, I think it can be a very useful tool. But far too often, we are overprescribing these medications and not dealing with the problems at hand.

Take for instance, inpatient treatment. It’s more about, medicating and pushing you out the door, than really getting to the root of the problem through therapeutic means. I know, I know, inpatient is supposed to be for rapid stabilization but still, they don’t even help you with facing life once you’re back on the outside. So, what’s even the point of stabilizing you in the first place? (I know, I’m a bit dramatic)

What I’m trying to say is, at least in my case, and what I’ve seen with so many others, first hand, is that they would rather put you on medication. Medication that has a block box warning, rather than try to teach you to handle your emotions and the things in life that seem too hard. They would rather sweep it under the rug, than really put any effort into seeing what is wrong because a quick fix is a quick fix. I know that sometimes and at first it might be needed but then it becomes such a crutch, you just rely on the medication to help you.

As, I’m writing this, I am realizing I’m going to get some backlash. I just want to say, there is nothing wrong with taking medication. Hell, I take a cocktail of meds. More than most patients do, trust me I know, I’ve gotten flack for it.

I’m just frustrated because now that I’ve been on these meds for so long, I don’t know how to handle my emotions off them. I tried and it was a disaster. I don’t want to be dependent on medication my whole life, I want to learn to not be afraid of who I am, I want to learn to handle my emotions and my ups and downs.

So, that’s the end of my rant. I hope I didn’t offend anyone.

-B. 6-16-18

Contradicting rational

Being like me

Knowing me, should I say

For some, is frustrating

It’s frustrating to me too

I’ll tell you why

With two words

Irrationally rational

Now three words

A walking contradiction

Those five words

Those five, in themselves

Are so frustrating

Can you imagine?

I have the ability to

Rationalize something that

Does not make sense

And the next minute

I might contradict it

But I don’t do these things

Because I mean to

No, I don’t

I do them because

They make sense to me

Because in my mind

I’m not doing them

You’re confused now?

But imagine being me

Imagine

That you

Do these things

And you

Don’t

Know

Why

But

They

Make

Sense

But

No one believes you…

-B.

11-17-17

I am me

I am not who you tried to mold

I am not who you tried to hold down

I am not who you say I am

I will not be who you want me to be

I am made of many things

Some good, some tragic and some magic

But I am me

And I am free

I am not anyone in a mold

I am stitched from the lives I’ve lived

From the wars I’ve fought

From the love that bursts inside me

I was made from stardust

Exploded millions of years ago

To create a billion things

That finally made me

But I am nothing like you wish

Because I am me

And nothing else

But free…

-B.

5-1-18