Being his.

What was it like being his?

At first, in the beginning, the first six months… were a dream come true, a fairytale. I was a real live princess and he was Prince Charming. Those were the days. He was everything I ever imagined. He’d carry my books to class for me, open doors, get me sweet presents. We were in love. His parents even showed me around at a party as their future daughter in law.

Then summer came. I was set to go on a teen tour with my best friend for two months. I was utterly sad that I was leaving him but I had my cell phone and would call him every night.

Off I went on the best summer, so, I thought. He started getting jealous but nothing too bad. He was jealous because of two boys on the teen tour I had befriended. We worked through it and I thought we were stronger for it.

Then our sixth month anniversary came. With it, a monster or a total 180. Everything changed. It was too late though, I was completely in love. I’d die for him and he knew it. That was dangerous.

From that first fight on our 6 month until the end, i don’t know what day, I just know the whole thing lasted around 16 and a half months. But from the first fight till the end, I was in hell.

Who knew a 14 year old could be a psychopath, a sociopath, a monster. I’m still reeling from the depraved things of that relationship. It set the course for my life and is why, I started with this.

The can’t remember how the changes started or what they started with but I can tell you what sort of hell I was living in. The things he would do.

The fighting was constant, he was always starting a fight. He was good though, making me think it was my fault. I’m the end I was the one apologizing and feeling horrible. Sometimes after these fights when I would be crying, he’d feel me up. I don’t know why he’d do that. He’d also say, “give me a present”. Meaning show me your boobs.

He got extremely possessive. He always checked my phone to see who I called and wanted to check my phone bill. He had his friends spy on me, to see who I was talking to in school. If I was dressed nice or my hair was nice he would ruin how I looked. If I went out, he would call me and stay on the phone because he knew where the cut out spots where, a way of catching me in a lie.

He was cruel. For my birthday he bought me a razor. He recorded us having phone sex and played it for everyone. He broke up with me before our anniversary and through it in my face for days then took me back. He made fun of my brothers best friend Suicide. He would say things like, “you’re beautiful to only me.”

He was abusive in every way possible. He hurt me physically a few times but it was mostly emotional and mental abuse.

The worst was the sexual abuse.

Demons laugh

The demon took the form of a man

He sold her the fairytale she always dreamed of

She was none the wiser

You see, he was beautiful but not in the way anyone but her could see

For it was an elaborate trap

He wanted to consume her and everything that made her special

So, she fell and he snickered

As days went by, the mask slowly fell

But she had stars in her eyes

No matter how much he showed her

She kept believing in his not existent goodness

And she slowly crumbled

As darkness was taking over

But she kept trying

Because she believed that he had a heart, he must have one

It couldn’t of been a lie

Then one night, he fell to the ground and started laughing… and she knew.

She knew that even if she was to die, at least it would be by his hand

Because she had stars in her eyes…

-B. 6-5-18

Someone?…please!

Someone hear me scream

Please, I need you to hear me

Anyone, hear me

I’m so scared

As the darkness eats away at me

I don’t want to be here anymore

Someone find me

Help me

Get me out of here

Because I don’t think I’m going to make it

-B. 6-11-18

Light bringer

You’re the best and worst kind of love

The safest and most dangerous

Kindest and cruelest

Yet you disguise yourself as an angel

But that’s my fault,

I never asked if

You were fallen

If you were the light bringer

I’ve seen a darker born version of you

My first actually

I swore after his head scramble

No one would affect me

Make me feel

Make me afraid to lose them

Like he did

Hook,line and sinker

I didn’t even see it coming

Because you’re a different kind

You still deeply love

You need to protect

You make me better

You see now, all angels have wings, even the fallen ones and…

The light bringer in the dark, Lucifer because he too was once an angel…you

-B. 4-26-18

Look at me!

Why don’t you see me

You never see me

You’ve never seen me

Why don’t you hear me

I scream in front of you

I yell at you

But nothing hits you

Why can’t you accept this?

All of this

These pieces

That make up, me

All you see, all you hear

Is everything you want to know

I was never anything

Not in your eyes

Not in my own

Not until I picked myself up…

-B.

1-5-18

I soared…

I guess this is the way it is now

The way the course has run

You’ve said it all

Shown all you’re cards

I know your games

I know your tricks

You wicked thing

Twisting and poisoning the life out of me

I guess this is where we are now

I’ve seen your face underneath that mask

I’ve seen your soul, so full of darkness

So is this what you’ve become

Is this what we are

Or should I say I am no longer

Disowned by you

Now only one daughter,is what you have

But the joke is on you

Because you didn’t clip my wings

You pushed me off the edge

And I soared…

aren’t you scared now, mother…

-B.

5-5-18