Inspired

Yesterday morning my little 11 year old 5lb Pomeranian died suddenly with no warning… I have been devastated. Especially being so unbalanced lately with meds and starting my senior semester as a psych research student. Out of all of this, all my friends were nowhere to be found. For months I lost my spark. The one that drives creativity but yesterday I found it in the strength and grief and love for my old companion.

This is what came of it… the last picture is basically finished just need a few finishing touches but in pain is art and in art is pain and in that is solace. Remember that.

Tarnished

I hear the wind

Rustling through the trees

A warm spring day

The windows open

I can feel a breeze on my skin

Cool and warm

Out my window

All green

The sun is shining

But inside me

Is a darkness

An aching pain

That doesn’t relent

What once was beautiful

Is now tarnished with the darkness

I’m falling over the edge

this time I don’t think I’ll be pulled back

This time, I think it’s going to stick

-B. 6-12-18

Someone?…please!

Someone hear me scream

Please, I need you to hear me

Anyone, hear me

I’m so scared

As the darkness eats away at me

I don’t want to be here anymore

Someone find me

Help me

Get me out of here

Because I don’t think I’m going to make it

-B. 6-11-18

2017

2017, pretty much a big fuck you but with a cherry on top. A very big sweet red cherry on top.

The highlights; I failed nursing school, I got back in, passed my third semester and made it to my final semester but not before the worst and best summer of my life.

The summer of 2017, started out amazing. I was ready to study for school, I had friends, new friends, I had purpose. Then I was all alone. Everyone fell off the face of the earth. I couldn’t study. I was all alone, all the time.

I learned a lot in my loneliness. I learned to take care of my myself. Become healthy. Even lost 20 lbs.

I got back into my art, in any creative outlet I could. Writing, photography, drawing, making jewelry.

I learned how to cope. Cope in a healthy way. Listening to music again, art, going to the river. I learned to be alone and be okay with it. I started to enjoy myself, my company. I have never done that.

I decided it was time to meet people, specifically start a relationship, and maybe make some friends. I set out on a few dating websites. I went out on a few meets.

But, the second to last one… July 30th… I’ll never forget. I made 17 cigarettes for that night. It’s funny the things you remember. That night, I was raped.

I didn’t think of it walking back to the car. Not until I started the car and an overwhelming urge to vomit came over me. The next weeks were hell. I was late. My period was late.

But for some reason, I kept talking to another guy I had given my number to. I remember the day after it happened, he texted me for the first time. I was skittish and I was not really into it but over the next few weeks he was persistent.

I eventually told him what happened. I hadn’t told anyone. Not even my mom. I trusted him. There was something about him. He had been touched by the darkness too. I just knew.

I finally got my period, day 40 of my cycle. A week before I had told my mom. She urged me to go to the police but in the past when I went to them about my past, they never believed me, there was no justice. So, you understand why I didn’t trust them.

Time went on, I was numb, depressed, drinking. I barely left my room, the chair in the corner by the window. Where I sat and smoked. But he was there to talk. He was the only person I spoke to.

I didn’t withdraw from school, I thought going would help. I tried to study before the semester but I couldn’t and my mother was not helpful. Always on me about studying.

In August, that guy and I got closer. He asked me to be his on the 15th. He knew I was fucked up, he knew I was not interested in anything sexual but he wanted me. All of me. So I said yes.

I was in a downward spiral. Looking for anything to help. I met him, he made me feel safe. In control.

School started but we made it work. He lived over an hour up north. He would come once a week and get a hotel room. School got bad, my home life got worse. I was drowning. It was worse than the summer.

I decided to leave my last semester at school. I just couldn’t. The PTSD had set in. My moms abuse was too much.

I had finally had enough. I left. At 28, I left. I stood up for myself and left. He saved me. I packed all my stuff up in my car and his. He took me home.

Then I went back. I thought it would be different but it wasn’t.

Days later, he saved me again and I never went back.

I don’t know what I would have done if I had never met him.

It’s 2018, now. Life is hard. I’m just learning to be an adult and I still take baby steps. I still ask for help with everything. Being under my mothers thumb, feeling feeble for so long, has damaged me good but I got this.

I guess what I’m saying is, it’s never too late. Follow your heart. Follow your dreams.

-B.

1-12-17

Stay with me…

I stared out the window Watching the trees 

The sky 

The world 
Time stopped here 

Well, life did 

 

It was a safe place 

A place to heal

A place where the demons 

Dare not go 
I would sit in the windowsill 

For hours 

Listening to “stay with me” 

by Clint mansell 

on repeat 
I did that 

Because I was losing myself 

As I watched the world 

I needed to remember 

I needed this place 

To find myself 
And now

Once again 

I’m listening 

To that song 

Because 

I’m 

Losing 

Myself 
-B. 

10-13-17

Amy (part 2) 

We talked for 5 hours that dayMy sister was worried I would leave 

Come live with you 

That’s what my mom told me 
I remember that day because it was the best day of my life 

But I would later find out 

That for you… 

it was the worst. 
From that day on 

We were inseparable 

For the next 5 years or so 

We talked everyday for hours 

And even skyped
You eventually came to visit 

Scariest and most exciting day of my life 

We had a pre planned meeting spot 

The clock in GCT 
I took the train in to the city 

I remember getting off the train 

Calling my best friend walking out of GCT saying I can’t do this but he talked me up 

So I walked back in 

Luckily I came from behind 

I said, “mom” 

You turned around 

I remember you started hysterically crying 

You hugged me 

You wouldn’t let go 

I never felt that before 

That bond 
We had the best day in the city 

I felt like the new baby 

Because you were buying me all these new clothes 

We did touristy things too 

You wouldn’t stop staring at me while you walked 
Over the years we met a few more times 

Once in Chicago 

You also came back here to visit again and meet my family and best friend 

And the last time we ever saw each other in person was the time I flew to California for you 
That was the beginning of the end… 
-B. 

9-15-17

Amy (part 1) 

I learned early on I found out 

I was not like them 

I did not come from her 

I came from you 
I was made fun of 

I was told I wasn’t like them 

I was different 
Every birthday I wished for you 

I longed to know you 

Where I came from 

Who I looked like in this world 
I dreamed of you 

Not like most 

I never dreamed you were someone amazing 

But I dreamed of you 

Having that connection 

Something I never felt 

That bond 

I never got to have 
I never felt right 

Never felt like I fit into this family 

I wasn’t like them 

I kept wishing for you 
I hated you 

I hated you for giving me up 

I hated you for life I had 

I hate you for all the horrible things that happened to me 

I hated you because I didn’t know who I was 
But I loved you 

I loved you because you were who I was

You were who I looked like 

You made me 

I came from you 

You were my only link to the beginning 

You were my mom 
And then…

At 3:00am, crying hysterically over everything that they did… all the violations… stolen innocence…

I found a profile, on a website 

It matched my information 

So I made a profile 

I waited… 

And a few days past 
I was in the school parking lot when I got a call from a Florida number 

I picked up 

They told me the profiles matched 

They told me that you would be calling me, that we sounded the same, that we both had AOL accounts 

I was in shock… 
A few days passed….

I was driving through the next town over 

I got a call, from a California number 

I picked up the phone… my heart pounding 

It was you. 

Finally. 
You said, “Hi, My name is Amy, I’m your birth mother. How are you?” 

And I said, like we had known each other for years, ” Hi! I’m good! How are you!?” 
-B. 

9-15-17