Inspired

Yesterday morning my little 11 year old 5lb Pomeranian died suddenly with no warning… I have been devastated. Especially being so unbalanced lately with meds and starting my senior semester as a psych research student. Out of all of this, all my friends were nowhere to be found. For months I lost my spark. The one that drives creativity but yesterday I found it in the strength and grief and love for my old companion.

This is what came of it… the last picture is basically finished just need a few finishing touches but in pain is art and in art is pain and in that is solace. Remember that.

Charcoal

I remember yelling at the school counselor who was on the phone with my parents, “ if you send me to boarding school, I’m going to kill myself!”

I was 16. After school, at 7pm, my parents took me to the hospital. My first hospitalization ever.

I’m not going to get into it because this is not what this post is about.

One of the days I was there, my brother came to visit with his then college girlfriend.

I had always loved art. Never took any art classes but I loved art.

Well, my brother comes with this blue beautiful sketchbook and charcoal. Which I had never had or used before. I had only really ever doodled or painted when I was a child.

Well, here I am now, 30. This is a photo of one of my most prized possessions, now a tattered, falling apart old beautiful blue sketchbook and 11 of my charcoal drawings from that time.

Please if you wish, let me know how they make you feel.

-B.

Endless

That’s the beauty of life. Endless possibilities and endless adventures. Endless emotions to feel. I think that’s why I haven’t been able to actually go… why I keep trying because there’s too much more to do. So much more to experience. So much more heartache, love, magic and beauty. How could I ever leave that? Even if at the end it was all darkness at least I got to try. Right? I got to love, I got to see beauty, I picked myself up. I kept going. I walked through hell. I survived. Because none of us are making it out alive.

-B.

2-22-19

Angel of death

Risk it all for love

I never thought

I could do that

Would do that

I don’t even know

Why I love you

The way I do

I’m drawn to you

In an unearthly way

Unexplainable

Magnetic pull

I’d follow you to hell

I’d walk through the fires

And know I was safe

Because I’m by your side

I’d cross oceans

And deserts to find you

You’re my universe

The center of everything that is

And ever will be

And I know you’ll be my downfall…. my angel of death

-B.

11-27-18

Theory about life

I’m just abstract in the way I do and see things. I don’t believe that things need to be done in a certain order or that money is all too important. I believe in doing what makes you happy and following your dreams. I believe that there is time to change if you don’t like something. That life is about trying to experience everything, the good or bad. That society shouldn’t define how your life plays out, what types of people you should know or be. That life is messy and meant to be explored in every facet. Fail and fail again until something sticks. There is no correct way to life. It just happens the way it happens. Ya know?

-B.

9-23-18

The greatest story

This is hard

This is really hard

I’m not going to lie

You’re a stubborn grump

I’m an emotional ball of twine

You’re snarky and testy

I’m needy and damaged

You’re anger

I’m the emotional spectrum

You’re regimented

I’m all over the place

We’re two different souls

Intertwined in this place

Going through time

Finding our own way

But this is not easy

No one ever said it was

I don’t think anything great is easy

I guess that means…

We’re the greatest story ever told.

-B.

1-17-18

Light bringer

You’re the best and worst kind of love

The safest and most dangerous

Kindest and cruelest

Yet you disguise yourself as an angel

But that’s my fault,

I never asked if

You were fallen

If you were the light bringer

I’ve seen a darker born version of you

My first actually

I swore after his head scramble

No one would affect me

Make me feel

Make me afraid to lose them

Like he did

Hook,line and sinker

I didn’t even see it coming

Because you’re a different kind

You still deeply love

You need to protect

You make me better

You see now, all angels have wings, even the fallen ones and…

The light bringer in the dark, Lucifer because he too was once an angel…you

-B. 4-26-18