Charcoal

I remember yelling at the school counselor who was on the phone with my parents, “ if you send me to boarding school, I’m going to kill myself!”

I was 16. After school, at 7pm, my parents took me to the hospital. My first hospitalization ever.

I’m not going to get into it because this is not what this post is about.

One of the days I was there, my brother came to visit with his then college girlfriend.

I had always loved art. Never took any art classes but I loved art.

Well, my brother comes with this blue beautiful sketchbook and charcoal. Which I had never had or used before. I had only really ever doodled or painted when I was a child.

Well, here I am now, 30. This is a photo of one of my most prized possessions, now a tattered, falling apart old beautiful blue sketchbook and 11 of my charcoal drawings from that time.

Please if you wish, let me know how they make you feel.

-B.

Self Internalized Stigma IAT

Hi, I created an IAT study in my Psych statistics class today and I’m interested in my mental illness BPD. If anyone with BPD is willing to take my study, it’s completely anonymous. I’ll post a brief abstract in the coming week, so you can understand why I wanted to create this study. Please please help. I need 20-30 people to take this study!!! Thank you so much!!!! Here is the link: http://lab.tellab.org/show/paradigm/iat/5c015c4671a894c407e1f807

What you need to remember: Being Borderline

A text I wrote to my boyfriend when he told me to wear my pain like armor:

I think you sometimes forget you’re with someone who feels things on a scale you’ll never be able to understand. That it’s exactly like I’m a burn victim but with emotional nerve endings being plucked at random and nothing I can do to stop it. Try to wear that immense emotion. When everything you feel is magnified by 100,000. And you have to hold it together all the time because people never feel that much but you do. So they don’t understand why you could hurt so bad about something. Image the worst emotional pain you’ve ever felt and imagine that magnified like trying to kill ants but everyday. And add in other emotions like that. How are you supposed to wear something that hurts so much you can barely hold it up or breathe. There is a reason why my dx is the number one mental illness for not making it. Because image the weight of all those emotions and trying to wear them… it’s like burying yourself in boulders and gasping for air.

Demons laugh

The demon took the form of a man

He sold her the fairytale she always dreamed of

She was none the wiser

You see, he was beautiful but not in the way anyone but her could see

For it was an elaborate trap

He wanted to consume her and everything that made her special

So, she fell and he snickered

As days went by, the mask slowly fell

But she had stars in her eyes

No matter how much he showed her

She kept believing in his not existent goodness

And she slowly crumbled

As darkness was taking over

But she kept trying

Because she believed that he had a heart, he must have one

It couldn’t of been a lie

Then one night, he fell to the ground and started laughing… and she knew.

She knew that even if she was to die, at least it would be by his hand

Because she had stars in her eyes…

-B. 6-5-18