Inspired

Yesterday morning my little 11 year old 5lb Pomeranian died suddenly with no warning… I have been devastated. Especially being so unbalanced lately with meds and starting my senior semester as a psych research student. Out of all of this, all my friends were nowhere to be found. For months I lost my spark. The one that drives creativity but yesterday I found it in the strength and grief and love for my old companion.

This is what came of it… the last picture is basically finished just need a few finishing touches but in pain is art and in art is pain and in that is solace. Remember that.

Charcoal

I remember yelling at the school counselor who was on the phone with my parents, “ if you send me to boarding school, I’m going to kill myself!”

I was 16. After school, at 7pm, my parents took me to the hospital. My first hospitalization ever.

I’m not going to get into it because this is not what this post is about.

One of the days I was there, my brother came to visit with his then college girlfriend.

I had always loved art. Never took any art classes but I loved art.

Well, my brother comes with this blue beautiful sketchbook and charcoal. Which I had never had or used before. I had only really ever doodled or painted when I was a child.

Well, here I am now, 30. This is a photo of one of my most prized possessions, now a tattered, falling apart old beautiful blue sketchbook and 11 of my charcoal drawings from that time.

Please if you wish, let me know how they make you feel.

-B.

Endless

That’s the beauty of life. Endless possibilities and endless adventures. Endless emotions to feel. I think that’s why I haven’t been able to actually go… why I keep trying because there’s too much more to do. So much more to experience. So much more heartache, love, magic and beauty. How could I ever leave that? Even if at the end it was all darkness at least I got to try. Right? I got to love, I got to see beauty, I picked myself up. I kept going. I walked through hell. I survived. Because none of us are making it out alive.

-B.

2-22-19

Self Internalized Stigma IAT

Hi, I created an IAT study in my Psych statistics class today and I’m interested in my mental illness BPD. If anyone with BPD is willing to take my study, it’s completely anonymous. I’ll post a brief abstract in the coming week, so you can understand why I wanted to create this study. Please please help. I need 20-30 people to take this study!!! Thank you so much!!!! Here is the link: http://lab.tellab.org/show/paradigm/iat/5c015c4671a894c407e1f807

What you need to remember: Being Borderline

A text I wrote to my boyfriend when he told me to wear my pain like armor:

I think you sometimes forget you’re with someone who feels things on a scale you’ll never be able to understand. That it’s exactly like I’m a burn victim but with emotional nerve endings being plucked at random and nothing I can do to stop it. Try to wear that immense emotion. When everything you feel is magnified by 100,000. And you have to hold it together all the time because people never feel that much but you do. So they don’t understand why you could hurt so bad about something. Image the worst emotional pain you’ve ever felt and imagine that magnified like trying to kill ants but everyday. And add in other emotions like that. How are you supposed to wear something that hurts so much you can barely hold it up or breathe. There is a reason why my dx is the number one mental illness for not making it. Because image the weight of all those emotions and trying to wear them… it’s like burying yourself in boulders and gasping for air.

Theory about life

I’m just abstract in the way I do and see things. I don’t believe that things need to be done in a certain order or that money is all too important. I believe in doing what makes you happy and following your dreams. I believe that there is time to change if you don’t like something. That life is about trying to experience everything, the good or bad. That society shouldn’t define how your life plays out, what types of people you should know or be. That life is messy and meant to be explored in every facet. Fail and fail again until something sticks. There is no correct way to life. It just happens the way it happens. Ya know?

-B.

9-23-18