Yesterday morning my little 11 year old 5lb Pomeranian died suddenly with no warning… I have been devastated. Especially being so unbalanced lately with meds and starting my senior semester as a psych research student. Out of all of this, all my friends were nowhere to be found. For months I lost my spark. The one that drives creativity but yesterday I found it in the strength and grief and love for my old companion.

This is what came of it… the last picture is basically finished just need a few finishing touches but in pain is art and in art is pain and in that is solace. Remember that.


I remember yelling at the school counselor who was on the phone with my parents, “ if you send me to boarding school, I’m going to kill myself!”

I was 16. After school, at 7pm, my parents took me to the hospital. My first hospitalization ever.

I’m not going to get into it because this is not what this post is about.

One of the days I was there, my brother came to visit with his then college girlfriend.

I had always loved art. Never took any art classes but I loved art.

Well, my brother comes with this blue beautiful sketchbook and charcoal. Which I had never had or used before. I had only really ever doodled or painted when I was a child.

Well, here I am now, 30. This is a photo of one of my most prized possessions, now a tattered, falling apart old beautiful blue sketchbook and 11 of my charcoal drawings from that time.

Please if you wish, let me know how they make you feel.



I’m barely holding it together I’m hanging on by the seams 
Like an old rag doll 

Who’s had her time 

Seams coming undone 
I need you 

I need you right here 

Not in a little while 

I need you now 

Because I’m coming undone 


Wade… my deadpool.

I never wanted fancy dinners, expensive datesI never wanted those things, materialistic things, guys use to woo women 

I never wanted any of that 
I wanted, I still want just you

The way you are, for your mind, your one track mind

For the nights you stay up with me, when I am falling apart 

For that time you asked if it was okay to hold my hand 

For the fact that you too have seen the darkness 

I want you because you are as you say, “a self proclaimed asshole with a heart of gold.”
I don’t want things 

I want to lay next to you 

Feel you 

Watch the stars with you 

Listen to your heart beat 

Tease you endlessly 

I want you not because of anything else except for who you are, because to me, you fit… 
-B. 8-10-17