Inspired

Yesterday morning my little 11 year old 5lb Pomeranian died suddenly with no warning… I have been devastated. Especially being so unbalanced lately with meds and starting my senior semester as a psych research student. Out of all of this, all my friends were nowhere to be found. For months I lost my spark. The one that drives creativity but yesterday I found it in the strength and grief and love for my old companion.

This is what came of it… the last picture is basically finished just need a few finishing touches but in pain is art and in art is pain and in that is solace. Remember that.

Angel of death

Risk it all for love

I never thought

I could do that

Would do that

I don’t even know

Why I love you

The way I do

I’m drawn to you

In an unearthly way

Unexplainable

Magnetic pull

I’d follow you to hell

I’d walk through the fires

And know I was safe

Because I’m by your side

I’d cross oceans

And deserts to find you

You’re my universe

The center of everything that is

And ever will be

And I know you’ll be my downfall…. my angel of death

-B.

11-27-18

What you need to remember: Being Borderline

A text I wrote to my boyfriend when he told me to wear my pain like armor:

I think you sometimes forget you’re with someone who feels things on a scale you’ll never be able to understand. That it’s exactly like I’m a burn victim but with emotional nerve endings being plucked at random and nothing I can do to stop it. Try to wear that immense emotion. When everything you feel is magnified by 100,000. And you have to hold it together all the time because people never feel that much but you do. So they don’t understand why you could hurt so bad about something. Image the worst emotional pain you’ve ever felt and imagine that magnified like trying to kill ants but everyday. And add in other emotions like that. How are you supposed to wear something that hurts so much you can barely hold it up or breathe. There is a reason why my dx is the number one mental illness for not making it. Because image the weight of all those emotions and trying to wear them… it’s like burying yourself in boulders and gasping for air.

Anger 

Anger Swells Like a raging storm 
Burning 

through me 

Raging fire 

In my veins 
I’m shaking 

Trembling 

With rage 
I have to let it out 

I don’t know how 
It tears 

Through 

Every 

Nerve ending 

Igniting them
Swirling 

Burning 

Let it out 

Before 

It 

Consumes 

Me 

Whole…
-B. 

10-2-17