What you need to remember: Being Borderline

A text I wrote to my boyfriend when he told me to wear my pain like armor:

I think you sometimes forget you’re with someone who feels things on a scale you’ll never be able to understand. That it’s exactly like I’m a burn victim but with emotional nerve endings being plucked at random and nothing I can do to stop it. Try to wear that immense emotion. When everything you feel is magnified by 100,000. And you have to hold it together all the time because people never feel that much but you do. So they don’t understand why you could hurt so bad about something. Image the worst emotional pain you’ve ever felt and imagine that magnified like trying to kill ants but everyday. And add in other emotions like that. How are you supposed to wear something that hurts so much you can barely hold it up or breathe. There is a reason why my dx is the number one mental illness for not making it. Because image the weight of all those emotions and trying to wear them… it’s like burying yourself in boulders and gasping for air.

Theory about life

I’m just abstract in the way I do and see things. I don’t believe that things need to be done in a certain order or that money is all too important. I believe in doing what makes you happy and following your dreams. I believe that there is time to change if you don’t like something. That life is about trying to experience everything, the good or bad. That society shouldn’t define how your life plays out, what types of people you should know or be. That life is messy and meant to be explored in every facet. Fail and fail again until something sticks. There is no correct way to life. It just happens the way it happens. Ya know?

-B.

9-23-18

Contradicting rational

Being like me

Knowing me, should I say

For some, is frustrating

It’s frustrating to me too

I’ll tell you why

With two words

Irrationally rational

Now three words

A walking contradiction

Those five words

Those five, in themselves

Are so frustrating

Can you imagine?

I have the ability to

Rationalize something that

Does not make sense

And the next minute

I might contradict it

But I don’t do these things

Because I mean to

No, I don’t

I do them because

They make sense to me

Because in my mind

I’m not doing them

You’re confused now?

But imagine being me

Imagine

That you

Do these things

And you

Don’t

Know

Why

But

They

Make

Sense

But

No one believes you…

-B.

11-17-17

Walking contradiction

You hear a lot about black and white in BPD but you don’t hear a lot about the contradictory nature of someone with BPD.

Now, don’t go getting mad. I’m only speaking from experience. I fully admit to being a walking contradiction.

It often frustrates people. Makes people think I’m a liar. That I’m hard to trust. But I’m here to explain it to you the best way I can because unless you understand it, you’re going to think those things and they are simply not true.

Let me set the record straight first. I am an open book. I tell it like it is. What comes out of my mouth is what I meant to say in that exact moment.

Now, let me explain. I say things I mean IN THE MOMENT. They are tied to HOW I FEEL, my emotions. Having borderline personality disorder, this means, it changes constantly. So, my views on things are constantly changing. I can mean one thing and the next day contradict it because I feel differently about it that day.

IT DOES NOT mean I lied. It means that I feel DIFFERENTLY about the situation. That my mind CHANGED. Things change and that’s normal. Maybe not at the slow pace they normally do, but that’s how they work for me.

This may be frustrating for you normies but imagine being me. I am constantly contracting a lot of the things I believe. Like, parts of my identity. Now, don’t get me started on identity, we can hit on that another time.

So, next time, try to be understanding. We are just going with our emotions. Constantly changing.

-B. 6-10-18

One magic pill

One magic pill.

We’ve all wished it was real. Something we could take to cure us. Make us normal. Take away all the bad things and make us whole again.

Psychiatry, the idea of getting on medication, is often a tough choice for some of us and an easy one for other. Whatever it is for, the journey is not the same. Some have luck and others don’t.

I like to think of it as one big guessing game.

As in other fields of medicine, you have a disease process and a course of treatment. In most cases it’s that simple. But with mental illness, it’s not. It’s far less simple than that.

You have all these psychiatric medications and you get to see your psychiatrist once a month. So, once a month you try a medication. Then the fun part. Some of these medications take weeks to work, so the wait. Then the side effects. On the other hand, they can completely not work all together or even worse do the complete opposite and make your symptoms ten times worse. So, next month, back to the drawing board.

Suppose it does work, but then it doesn’t take all the symptoms away. Then you have to start the cycle over again. You have to add another medication.

Then, finally you find the right combination that works. Everything is going fine for a few years and then BAM. You need to adjust the dosage or the medications have stopped working all together. Back to the drawing board. Back to the cycle.

Like, picking out of a hat.

These medications are so abstract and have so many applications in how they treat various symptoms. The lists go on.

And one day you wake up and you realize, you aren’t just a person seeking treatment for your mental illness but you’ve become a slave to these medications, a product of the pharmaceutical companies.

I’m not saying that taking medication for mental illness is bad. Absolutely not. I have no right to. I am on numerous medications just to be a functioning member of society. But, do I wish I could remember what it was like to handle it on my own or learn to handle it on my own. Yes, I do. Do I hate carrying around 6 pill bottles with me, when I go out? Yes. But, I’ve learned to have no shame in taking out my meds when needed because who the fuck cares what they think. I need them. I need to take care of myself.

But, oh, how I do wish, that there was one magic pill…

-B.

3-21-18

This took a turn

Don’t you hate that? How the night before, you feel motivated, have a plan for the next day, even feel a little motivated the second you wake up. But then, it starts slowly. Something feels a little off. You make up excuses for it. It hits you, you feel a little off.

That realization, that moment. The moment you realize it’s you, you’re the one who feels off. That’s when it happens. You start slowly spiraling. Not too bad at first, though. Not very noticeable because you’ve put it in the back of your mind. Well, at least you think you did. But it’s growing. It gets bigger and bigger. You start actively thinking about your anxieties, fears, mistakes, things that make you wrong as a person. Things you’ve decided are true, that must be true because why else would you feel this way. Why else would it be so damn hard, so damn exhausting to get yourself to make at least one phone call, check off one thing on your list.

You make up these things, these facts about yourself, convinced they are true but in fact are the complete opposite. Yes, maybe it’s exhausting to fight yourself to even get one thing done on the list but you did it. You, on your bad day, got something done. Even if you didn’t manage to get something on your list done, you managed and you know fucking what? That in itself is strength.

People don’t see mental illness, not all the time. They don’t see what we are fighting. How fucking exhausting it is. How the simplest thing makes you tired and ashamed because you can’t do it like the “normies” can but fuck them. You are, I am, so much stronger for it. We have to fight everyday. It’s not easy. Life’s not easy, but we do it.

So, this started as a rant but turned into a pep talk. I think mostly I needed to hear it. I needed to know it was okay. But if anyone else needed to know, know it’s okay to survive, it’s okay to just breathe. It’s okay. You’ll be okay.

-B.

1-30-18

Sorry’s and Explanations 

Do you know what two things I really hate about being borderline? Feeling like I constantly have to apologize for what I do and having to explain myself. 

I am always saying sorry. I know part of that, for me is because I was programmed by an abusive ex, but, then I also feel self doubt. That also makes me apologize. I feel like I’m so unsure how they’ll react, so I immediately apologize before they can react in case it’s negative. Well, then I guess that’s also fear. 

But I really fucking hate that. It’s annoying. 
Then there’s explaining myself. Oh man, I really hate this one. Because no matter what I say, they don’t understand. You can’t possibly understand, not unless you feel as intensely as I do. 

Or having to explain why you just went from one emotion to another so quickly, for no reason. Or why you had to cancel. 

Try explaining to someone, a normie, that everything you do, even your bathroom habits are guided by emotions. That emotions are everything, they rule your entire life. Everything you do, think or feel is based on emotion. It just goes over their head. 
What do you hate? 
-B. 

11-18-17