I am me

I am not who you tried to mold

I am not who you tried to hold down

I am not who you say I am

I will not be who you want me to be

I am made of many things

Some good, some tragic and some magic

But I am me

And I am free

I am not anyone in a mold

I am stitched from the lives I’ve lived

From the wars I’ve fought

From the love that bursts inside me

I was made from stardust

Exploded millions of years ago

To create a billion things

That finally made me

But I am nothing like you wish

Because I am me

And nothing else

But free…

-B.

5-1-18

She lay there

Fields of wildflowers

The sun beating down on her skin

The fresh breeze, weaving through the trees

Clouds in all the shapes you could imagine

Sky so blue, it was almost crystal

And she just lay there

She lay there, wondrous thoughts

Filling up her mind

She lay there

And hummed the lullaby

She once fell asleep to

She lay there

On this perfect day

And she could breathe

Because to her, this was freedom…

-B.

2-25-18

Looked good on her

Freedom looked good on her

This was the first time in her life

The first time she called the shots

That she was in control

This was her life

She took it back

Took it from those who kept her down

Kept her weak

She looked over the edge

And she didn’t fall but she soared

She showed those, who kept her hidden

That she was not all the things they had made her feel

She showed them

Because she had finally found herself

And in that, she found her freedom

She was just her and that was beautiful

She was beautiful for everything she was

Flaws and imperfections

Faults and scars

Hiccups and all

She was her own

And she wore it well

Freedom certainly looked beautiful on her

-B.

12-19-17

2017

2017, pretty much a big fuck you but with a cherry on top. A very big sweet red cherry on top.

The highlights; I failed nursing school, I got back in, passed my third semester and made it to my final semester but not before the worst and best summer of my life.

The summer of 2017, started out amazing. I was ready to study for school, I had friends, new friends, I had purpose. Then I was all alone. Everyone fell off the face of the earth. I couldn’t study. I was all alone, all the time.

I learned a lot in my loneliness. I learned to take care of my myself. Become healthy. Even lost 20 lbs.

I got back into my art, in any creative outlet I could. Writing, photography, drawing, making jewelry.

I learned how to cope. Cope in a healthy way. Listening to music again, art, going to the river. I learned to be alone and be okay with it. I started to enjoy myself, my company. I have never done that.

I decided it was time to meet people, specifically start a relationship, and maybe make some friends. I set out on a few dating websites. I went out on a few meets.

But, the second to last one… July 30th… I’ll never forget. I made 17 cigarettes for that night. It’s funny the things you remember. That night, I was raped.

I didn’t think of it walking back to the car. Not until I started the car and an overwhelming urge to vomit came over me. The next weeks were hell. I was late. My period was late.

But for some reason, I kept talking to another guy I had given my number to. I remember the day after it happened, he texted me for the first time. I was skittish and I was not really into it but over the next few weeks he was persistent.

I eventually told him what happened. I hadn’t told anyone. Not even my mom. I trusted him. There was something about him. He had been touched by the darkness too. I just knew.

I finally got my period, day 40 of my cycle. A week before I had told my mom. She urged me to go to the police but in the past when I went to them about my past, they never believed me, there was no justice. So, you understand why I didn’t trust them.

Time went on, I was numb, depressed, drinking. I barely left my room, the chair in the corner by the window. Where I sat and smoked. But he was there to talk. He was the only person I spoke to.

I didn’t withdraw from school, I thought going would help. I tried to study before the semester but I couldn’t and my mother was not helpful. Always on me about studying.

In August, that guy and I got closer. He asked me to be his on the 15th. He knew I was fucked up, he knew I was not interested in anything sexual but he wanted me. All of me. So I said yes.

I was in a downward spiral. Looking for anything to help. I met him, he made me feel safe. In control.

School started but we made it work. He lived over an hour up north. He would come once a week and get a hotel room. School got bad, my home life got worse. I was drowning. It was worse than the summer.

I decided to leave my last semester at school. I just couldn’t. The PTSD had set in. My moms abuse was too much.

I had finally had enough. I left. At 28, I left. I stood up for myself and left. He saved me. I packed all my stuff up in my car and his. He took me home.

Then I went back. I thought it would be different but it wasn’t.

Days later, he saved me again and I never went back.

I don’t know what I would have done if I had never met him.

It’s 2018, now. Life is hard. I’m just learning to be an adult and I still take baby steps. I still ask for help with everything. Being under my mothers thumb, feeling feeble for so long, has damaged me good but I got this.

I guess what I’m saying is, it’s never too late. Follow your heart. Follow your dreams.

-B.

1-12-17

Impulsive wildfire 

Yesterday, I was really down, so naturally, being impulsive… I decided I could not wait for my boyfriend to take me to the salon to get my hair done. I went to Sally’s beauty, picked out hair dye, got home and dyed it.

But this isn’t your average hair dyeing story, no. You see, I recently, at the age of 28, finally left my toxic, abusive mothers rule over me. I was never allowed to dye my hair any color but a natural color. So, this was different.

A few weeks ago, I had tried to dye my hair pink but it came out orange. So, with determination in my heart, I set out to Sally’s, and got the color that would be most vibrant over orange.

I chose, wildfire. I got home, and I set out on my mission. 1 hour later, I washed it out. Which took, what seemed forever. Although it was wet, the color seemed to be vibrant but I would not know until it was dry. So, the wait. I naturally dry my hair. After a few hours my hair was dry and I am happy to say, I have ruby red hair.

So, the point of this story. This not your average hair dyeing story is that this is a symbol of freedom. I wear this color, this hair with pride. With the bravery I had to finally leave one of the hardest relationships I think anyone has trouble leaving, your own family.

For anyone having trouble leaving a toxic relationship, know that it is possible. That you can survive it. That the world will not fall apart. That life will go on. That when you do, you will be amazed at how strong you find out you really are. I was. I am. It’s okay.
-B. 

11-18-17

This is me by the way. Hello!


I choose me!

I choose me 
I didn’t do this for a guy 

I didn’t do this because I’m lazy 

I didn’t do this for childish reasons 
I choose me 
I did this because you’re toxic 

I did this because my life was not my own 

I did this because I was not free 
I choose me 
I want to be free 

I want to live my life 

I want to make my own choices 

I want to fall and get up 

I want to fail and succeed 
I choose me 
On my own terms 
Me 

For 

Once 

Because 

I

Want 

To 

Live 
-B. 

10-12-17

I’m not a child!

I’m not a child I’m 

28 
I’m not a child 

You 

don’t 

need 

to 

do 

this 

Not anymore 
I’m not a child 

Stop 

treating 

me 

like 

one 
I’m not a child 

Stop 

scolding

me 
I’m not a child 

Please 

Let 

Me 

Live 
I’m not a child 

Let 

Me 

Be

Free 
I’m not a child 

But 

I’ll

Always 

Be 

Your 

Child 
-B. 

10-2-17


Photo taken circa ‘93