Inspired

Yesterday morning my little 11 year old 5lb Pomeranian died suddenly with no warning… I have been devastated. Especially being so unbalanced lately with meds and starting my senior semester as a psych research student. Out of all of this, all my friends were nowhere to be found. For months I lost my spark. The one that drives creativity but yesterday I found it in the strength and grief and love for my old companion.

This is what came of it… the last picture is basically finished just need a few finishing touches but in pain is art and in art is pain and in that is solace. Remember that.

Amy (part 2) 

We talked for 5 hours that dayMy sister was worried I would leave 

Come live with you 

That’s what my mom told me 
I remember that day because it was the best day of my life 

But I would later find out 

That for you… 

it was the worst. 
From that day on 

We were inseparable 

For the next 5 years or so 

We talked everyday for hours 

And even skyped
You eventually came to visit 

Scariest and most exciting day of my life 

We had a pre planned meeting spot 

The clock in GCT 
I took the train in to the city 

I remember getting off the train 

Calling my best friend walking out of GCT saying I can’t do this but he talked me up 

So I walked back in 

Luckily I came from behind 

I said, “mom” 

You turned around 

I remember you started hysterically crying 

You hugged me 

You wouldn’t let go 

I never felt that before 

That bond 
We had the best day in the city 

I felt like the new baby 

Because you were buying me all these new clothes 

We did touristy things too 

You wouldn’t stop staring at me while you walked 
Over the years we met a few more times 

Once in Chicago 

You also came back here to visit again and meet my family and best friend 

And the last time we ever saw each other in person was the time I flew to California for you 
That was the beginning of the end… 
-B. 

9-15-17

Amy (part 1) 

I learned early on I found out 

I was not like them 

I did not come from her 

I came from you 
I was made fun of 

I was told I wasn’t like them 

I was different 
Every birthday I wished for you 

I longed to know you 

Where I came from 

Who I looked like in this world 
I dreamed of you 

Not like most 

I never dreamed you were someone amazing 

But I dreamed of you 

Having that connection 

Something I never felt 

That bond 

I never got to have 
I never felt right 

Never felt like I fit into this family 

I wasn’t like them 

I kept wishing for you 
I hated you 

I hated you for giving me up 

I hated you for life I had 

I hate you for all the horrible things that happened to me 

I hated you because I didn’t know who I was 
But I loved you 

I loved you because you were who I was

You were who I looked like 

You made me 

I came from you 

You were my only link to the beginning 

You were my mom 
And then…

At 3:00am, crying hysterically over everything that they did… all the violations… stolen innocence…

I found a profile, on a website 

It matched my information 

So I made a profile 

I waited… 

And a few days past 
I was in the school parking lot when I got a call from a Florida number 

I picked up 

They told me the profiles matched 

They told me that you would be calling me, that we sounded the same, that we both had AOL accounts 

I was in shock… 
A few days passed….

I was driving through the next town over 

I got a call, from a California number 

I picked up the phone… my heart pounding 

It was you. 

Finally. 
You said, “Hi, My name is Amy, I’m your birth mother. How are you?” 

And I said, like we had known each other for years, ” Hi! I’m good! How are you!?” 
-B. 

9-15-17

Empty words…

And just like every other before you You whisper sweet nothings into me 

You tell me about my dreams 

You swear me the world 
Then you take it away 

As easily as you said them 

They are gone

Just words 

With empty meanings 
-B. 

9-6-17

Sunshine 

One summer night When you couldn’t take my darkness anymore 

You gave me a sunshine 

For my very first time 
I was nervous 

But, I trusted you 

With my every being 

And within 30 minutes 

I understood 
We went for a night swim in your pool 

The trees, in silhouette

The summer air was warm 

The water was cool 
Every inch of my being 

Bursting with love and light 

My stomach, on the inside 

Felt like… a warm fuzzy peach

A feeling of pure happiness 
You put your hands underneath me

As I stretched out and floated 

Freely, safely 

Because you held me 

Swaying

Taking it all in 

All the beauty 
Then we went up to your room 

You put on the song “porcelain” by Moby 

And I swore, I told you… it felt as if… 

as if, G-D was singing to me 

And I had never felt so much love before 
I spoke to you of alternate universes 

Of where I was with my birth mother 

And we laid in the dark 

Holding each other 
You were right 

You told me, you never feel as good as the first time 

That I would never get that back 
I’m glad I didn’t 

It was a still point in time 

My timeline 

Something I can remember 

Always remember, now that you’re gone 
Thank you, Bunny
-B. 

8-29-17

Never Forget

I still remember this day As clear as the sky is blue 

Like it happened yesterday 
I was in middle school 

In 7th grade 

12 years old 

Sitting in English 

I remember 

My teacher 

She turned on the tv 
After that it seems like time skipped 

Like time jumped 

From moment to moment 

From fear to fear 
We were rushed out of her class 

Then we were in the big hallway, bear the entrance 

Full of panicked mothers and crying children 

I was scared, crying 

I didn’t know much about the geography of the city 

I only knew my favorite uncle was in the city 

My mind was racing and all these people were around us 

Then my neighbor came for my sister and I 

Not my mother, she was there, she drove their to help

My fears grew worse 
Finally we were home 

From that day, and for a long time 

All we could watch, was the news 

What they showed us on replay 

Over and over 

Images 

Never leaving our minds 

Burned into us 

Forever 
The lost souls 

Forever mourned 

The sworn vengeance 

The tragedy that brought together a nation 
Today

I remember 

I never forget 

This is for the lost 

Who will never be forgotten 
-B. 

9-11-17