Being his.

What was it like being his?

At first, in the beginning, the first six months… were a dream come true, a fairytale. I was a real live princess and he was Prince Charming. Those were the days. He was everything I ever imagined. He’d carry my books to class for me, open doors, get me sweet presents. We were in love. His parents even showed me around at a party as their future daughter in law.

Then summer came. I was set to go on a teen tour with my best friend for two months. I was utterly sad that I was leaving him but I had my cell phone and would call him every night.

Off I went on the best summer, so, I thought. He started getting jealous but nothing too bad. He was jealous because of two boys on the teen tour I had befriended. We worked through it and I thought we were stronger for it.

Then our sixth month anniversary came. With it, a monster or a total 180. Everything changed. It was too late though, I was completely in love. I’d die for him and he knew it. That was dangerous.

From that first fight on our 6 month until the end, i don’t know what day, I just know the whole thing lasted around 16 and a half months. But from the first fight till the end, I was in hell.

Who knew a 14 year old could be a psychopath, a sociopath, a monster. I’m still reeling from the depraved things of that relationship. It set the course for my life and is why, I started with this.

The can’t remember how the changes started or what they started with but I can tell you what sort of hell I was living in. The things he would do.

The fighting was constant, he was always starting a fight. He was good though, making me think it was my fault. I’m the end I was the one apologizing and feeling horrible. Sometimes after these fights when I would be crying, he’d feel me up. I don’t know why he’d do that. He’d also say, “give me a present”. Meaning show me your boobs.

He got extremely possessive. He always checked my phone to see who I called and wanted to check my phone bill. He had his friends spy on me, to see who I was talking to in school. If I was dressed nice or my hair was nice he would ruin how I looked. If I went out, he would call me and stay on the phone because he knew where the cut out spots where, a way of catching me in a lie.

He was cruel. For my birthday he bought me a razor. He recorded us having phone sex and played it for everyone. He broke up with me before our anniversary and through it in my face for days then took me back. He made fun of my brothers best friend Suicide. He would say things like, “you’re beautiful to only me.”

He was abusive in every way possible. He hurt me physically a few times but it was mostly emotional and mental abuse.

The worst was the sexual abuse.

I did not ask… 

Why should I be Sorry 

Sorry for who I am 

Sorry for everything my life has made me 

Why? 
I did not ask for this 

Do you think 

In my right mind 

I wake up 

And tell myself 

Today, I want to suffer 

I want to have extreme moods 

Every 60 seconds

I want anger, that is unfounded 

I want to be afraid 

Of people leaving 

Of things that don’t make sense 

That I woke up 

As a child 

As a teen, in love for the first time 

As a 28 year old, meeting someone new 

And wanted them to rip away my dignity 

Rip away every piece of me 

Leave me with nothing but vile memories 

And pieces of me, shattered 
I did not 

Wake up 

And ask for any of it 

I did not 

Ask for this 
But

Hear me 

When I tell you 

This is my truth 

This is who I am 
Not all of me 

Because there is 

So much more 

Love 

Beauty 

Understanding 

Caring 

A world in this soul 

You could not even begin to fathom 

Because of what I did not ask for 
So no, 

I did not ask for this 

But 

This is part of me, now 
This is me, B. 

Take me or leave me. 

I’m done hiding… 
-B. 

10-17-17