This took a turn

Don’t you hate that? How the night before, you feel motivated, have a plan for the next day, even feel a little motivated the second you wake up. But then, it starts slowly. Something feels a little off. You make up excuses for it. It hits you, you feel a little off.

That realization, that moment. The moment you realize it’s you, you’re the one who feels off. That’s when it happens. You start slowly spiraling. Not too bad at first, though. Not very noticeable because you’ve put it in the back of your mind. Well, at least you think you did. But it’s growing. It gets bigger and bigger. You start actively thinking about your anxieties, fears, mistakes, things that make you wrong as a person. Things you’ve decided are true, that must be true because why else would you feel this way. Why else would it be so damn hard, so damn exhausting to get yourself to make at least one phone call, check off one thing on your list.

You make up these things, these facts about yourself, convinced they are true but in fact are the complete opposite. Yes, maybe it’s exhausting to fight yourself to even get one thing done on the list but you did it. You, on your bad day, got something done. Even if you didn’t manage to get something on your list done, you managed and you know fucking what? That in itself is strength.

People don’t see mental illness, not all the time. They don’t see what we are fighting. How fucking exhausting it is. How the simplest thing makes you tired and ashamed because you can’t do it like the “normies” can but fuck them. You are, I am, so much stronger for it. We have to fight everyday. It’s not easy. Life’s not easy, but we do it.

So, this started as a rant but turned into a pep talk. I think mostly I needed to hear it. I needed to know it was okay. But if anyone else needed to know, know it’s okay to survive, it’s okay to just breathe. It’s okay. You’ll be okay.

-B.

1-30-18

Time

They say time doesn’t exist Maybe in a sense

In the physical concept 

The physical sense 

There is no such thing as time 
But we are all running out of time 

If you really think about it 

Some sooner than others 
I think that’s why we have a concept of time

Because it brings us security, in some way 

But it also brings us fear 
I hate time 

I love the unknown 
Time is…

Pressure

Fear 

Anxiety 
It takes the fun out of life 

Putting time, onto moments 

Never really living 
Time is the past and the future 

It’s not the present 

The present is where moments happen 

Where the unknown springs up and surprises you 

It’s where life happens 
When you are too busy with time 

You miss these 

So, are you really living? 

Have you really lived? 
What will you think, when your time is up?

Will you wish for the present? 

Because time is just a concept

It’s not really there 
So live for now 

Enjoy those moments 

Don’t restrain yourself to time 

Live… 
-B. 

9-17-17