I soared…

I guess this is the way it is now

The way the course has run

You’ve said it all

Shown all you’re cards

I know your games

I know your tricks

You wicked thing

Twisting and poisoning the life out of me

I guess this is where we are now

I’ve seen your face underneath that mask

I’ve seen your soul, so full of darkness

So is this what you’ve become

Is this what we are

Or should I say I am no longer

Disowned by you

Now only one daughter,is what you have

But the joke is on you

Because you didn’t clip my wings

You pushed me off the edge

And I soared…

aren’t you scared now, mother…

-B.

5-5-18

2017

2017, pretty much a big fuck you but with a cherry on top. A very big sweet red cherry on top.

The highlights; I failed nursing school, I got back in, passed my third semester and made it to my final semester but not before the worst and best summer of my life.

The summer of 2017, started out amazing. I was ready to study for school, I had friends, new friends, I had purpose. Then I was all alone. Everyone fell off the face of the earth. I couldn’t study. I was all alone, all the time.

I learned a lot in my loneliness. I learned to take care of my myself. Become healthy. Even lost 20 lbs.

I got back into my art, in any creative outlet I could. Writing, photography, drawing, making jewelry.

I learned how to cope. Cope in a healthy way. Listening to music again, art, going to the river. I learned to be alone and be okay with it. I started to enjoy myself, my company. I have never done that.

I decided it was time to meet people, specifically start a relationship, and maybe make some friends. I set out on a few dating websites. I went out on a few meets.

But, the second to last one… July 30th… I’ll never forget. I made 17 cigarettes for that night. It’s funny the things you remember. That night, I was raped.

I didn’t think of it walking back to the car. Not until I started the car and an overwhelming urge to vomit came over me. The next weeks were hell. I was late. My period was late.

But for some reason, I kept talking to another guy I had given my number to. I remember the day after it happened, he texted me for the first time. I was skittish and I was not really into it but over the next few weeks he was persistent.

I eventually told him what happened. I hadn’t told anyone. Not even my mom. I trusted him. There was something about him. He had been touched by the darkness too. I just knew.

I finally got my period, day 40 of my cycle. A week before I had told my mom. She urged me to go to the police but in the past when I went to them about my past, they never believed me, there was no justice. So, you understand why I didn’t trust them.

Time went on, I was numb, depressed, drinking. I barely left my room, the chair in the corner by the window. Where I sat and smoked. But he was there to talk. He was the only person I spoke to.

I didn’t withdraw from school, I thought going would help. I tried to study before the semester but I couldn’t and my mother was not helpful. Always on me about studying.

In August, that guy and I got closer. He asked me to be his on the 15th. He knew I was fucked up, he knew I was not interested in anything sexual but he wanted me. All of me. So I said yes.

I was in a downward spiral. Looking for anything to help. I met him, he made me feel safe. In control.

School started but we made it work. He lived over an hour up north. He would come once a week and get a hotel room. School got bad, my home life got worse. I was drowning. It was worse than the summer.

I decided to leave my last semester at school. I just couldn’t. The PTSD had set in. My moms abuse was too much.

I had finally had enough. I left. At 28, I left. I stood up for myself and left. He saved me. I packed all my stuff up in my car and his. He took me home.

Then I went back. I thought it would be different but it wasn’t.

Days later, he saved me again and I never went back.

I don’t know what I would have done if I had never met him.

It’s 2018, now. Life is hard. I’m just learning to be an adult and I still take baby steps. I still ask for help with everything. Being under my mothers thumb, feeling feeble for so long, has damaged me good but I got this.

I guess what I’m saying is, it’s never too late. Follow your heart. Follow your dreams.

-B.

1-12-17

I choose me!

I choose me 
I didn’t do this for a guy 

I didn’t do this because I’m lazy 

I didn’t do this for childish reasons 
I choose me 
I did this because you’re toxic 

I did this because my life was not my own 

I did this because I was not free 
I choose me 
I want to be free 

I want to live my life 

I want to make my own choices 

I want to fall and get up 

I want to fail and succeed 
I choose me 
On my own terms 
Me 

For 

Once 

Because 

I

Want 

To 

Live 
-B. 

10-12-17

I’m not a child!

I’m not a child I’m 

28 
I’m not a child 

You 

don’t 

need 

to 

do 

this 

Not anymore 
I’m not a child 

Stop 

treating 

me 

like 

one 
I’m not a child 

Stop 

scolding

me 
I’m not a child 

Please 

Let 

Me 

Live 
I’m not a child 

Let 

Me 

Be

Free 
I’m not a child 

But 

I’ll

Always 

Be 

Your 

Child 
-B. 

10-2-17


Photo taken circa ‘93 

I was set free… 

I was set free today 
I thought I would care 

I thought the storm would come 

I thought it would hurt 
But you have done this for too long 

You have torn me apart 

Put me back together 

Too many times 
You pushed me over the cliff 

And you know what? 

I had wings 
And I’m 

I’m okay. 
-B. 

10-9-17

Runaway…

I’ve been trying to runaway since I could remember I would pack a suitcase full of underwear and crackers 

Because that’s all you really need right? 

That’s what I thought when I was a little girl 

I would take that suitcase and walk out of my house with a sense of purpose 

I would only make it to the end of our driveway 

But I made it that far right 
When I was a teenager 

I would pack a bag 

A bag full of underwear, clothes

This time no crackers 

I made it to the middle of my street 

Then my father found me 
Since then I’ve been complacent 

Stuck 

Loyal to my family, now that everything has fallen apart 

But I dream of running away, the same dream I’ve had since I was a little girl 

But now my dream has evolved 
I dream of leaving, running away 

To a small town 

Where no one knows me 

Becoming a small town waitress 

Start a life with someone 

Start a family 

Live a simple, happy life 
Forget the past 

Forget this life 

Forget the trauma 

Forget the abuse 

And live

Let myself have a chance 

For once… 
-B.  

8-30-17

Moving on

I’m moving on… 

I’ve been in denial 

For days, weeks, years 

Because you promised 
But today 

Today I accepted 

It’s time to let go 

After a decade 

I’m letting go 
These past few days I’ve seen her 

The girl that he made 

You brought her back 

I always swore no one would again 

I hate that girl 

She is weak, broken, afraid 
So, I’m walking away 

You played the cruelest game 

A false sense of security 

Trust, love, friendship…

Ten years in the making 

All ripped away 

Abandoned 
I’m walking away

I’m letting go 

Because you already checked out 

You showed me just how much I’m worth 

How little it is 
I don’t know where you went 

I’m done holding onto to false hopes 

Onto ideas of who you were 

Of you ever coming back 
You’re never coming back… 
So, this is my goodbye 

From the girl with “Grade A” abandonment issues 

Forever free…
-B. 

8-27-17