What you need to remember: Being Borderline

A text I wrote to my boyfriend when he told me to wear my pain like armor:

I think you sometimes forget you’re with someone who feels things on a scale you’ll never be able to understand. That it’s exactly like I’m a burn victim but with emotional nerve endings being plucked at random and nothing I can do to stop it. Try to wear that immense emotion. When everything you feel is magnified by 100,000. And you have to hold it together all the time because people never feel that much but you do. So they don’t understand why you could hurt so bad about something. Image the worst emotional pain you’ve ever felt and imagine that magnified like trying to kill ants but everyday. And add in other emotions like that. How are you supposed to wear something that hurts so much you can barely hold it up or breathe. There is a reason why my dx is the number one mental illness for not making it. Because image the weight of all those emotions and trying to wear them… it’s like burying yourself in boulders and gasping for air.

Rocky start.

I’m not the brightest star in the sky You’ve seen my demons faces more often than I’d like 

You’ve stayed up with me, checked up on me, when my darkness tries to consume me 

You’ve heard my story, my past, my battles, my journeys through hell 
When you look at me, you don’t see any of that 

In your sky, I’m not a dim lit star 

You look at me, listen to me and you understand 

I know you do because you know my darkness

And I, I don’t see you as a dim star

In my sky, you are the brightest star 
Our beginning, a rocky start 

But it’s our beginning 

You told me, “you want this.” 

After all you’ve seen 

So maybe we aren’t the brightest stars 

But in each other’s sky, we are… 

We fit… 

remember, you said? 

“Puzzle pieces.” 

Maybe, ones made of stars…
-B. 8-16-17

Maybe…

Maybe they can’t see it That darkness in you 

That takes hold of you as the sun is setting 

That gives life to your demons 

That tries so hard to dim your flame 

Maybe if they could 

That darkness inside you 

The one that swallows you whole every night 

Would have a reason to be afraid 

Now someone else would know 

Someone else could fight

Fight with you, side by side 

Maybe then the darkness would quiver every night, instead of you

Maybe then it wouldn’t swallow you whole…
-B. 8-8-17

Borderline Grief

I was filled with rage, first Because, I told you 

I warned you

Everyone always leaves
I bargained with you 

Because, I told you 

I warned you 

Everyone always leaves 
I fell into the darkness

Because, I told you 

I warned you 

Everyone always leaves 
I fell into my old patterns 

Because, I told you

I warned you

Everyone always leaves 
I submitted to you 

I tried to avoid your abandonment at all costs at the sake of my own dignity
I saw the girl, the girl I was when I was at my worst

The girl who I never wanted to see again

The girl who gives up her freedom…

The girl with “grade A” abandonment issues
But to this day, you insist

I always say this

That I have been, for years 

And tell me that, “I’m stuck with you” 

But,

You 

Are 

Already 

Gone. 

And now, now

I can’t breathe.
-B. 6-2-17

12-11-12

Even now, no matter how strong I seem I still want to cut so bad, take drugs to numb the pain, to not exist but I can’t so I work to get there, I work damn hard to get to something better, a better life, a better me… And you know what? I’ll be okay because I’ll get there. Even if it takes me till my last breath.

-B.