Angel of death

Risk it all for love

I never thought

I could do that

Would do that

I don’t even know

Why I love you

The way I do

I’m drawn to you

In an unearthly way

Unexplainable

Magnetic pull

I’d follow you to hell

I’d walk through the fires

And know I was safe

Because I’m by your side

I’d cross oceans

And deserts to find you

You’re my universe

The center of everything that is

And ever will be

And I know you’ll be my downfall…. my angel of death

-B.

11-27-18

Tarnished

I hear the wind

Rustling through the trees

A warm spring day

The windows open

I can feel a breeze on my skin

Cool and warm

Out my window

All green

The sun is shining

But inside me

Is a darkness

An aching pain

That doesn’t relent

What once was beautiful

Is now tarnished with the darkness

I’m falling over the edge

this time I don’t think I’ll be pulled back

This time, I think it’s going to stick

-B. 6-12-18

5am

5 am

I have not slept a wink

Staring out the window

Laying in bed

Waiting for the morning light

The sun to rise

For the rays to shine through

My heart is pounding

I am exhausted

But I am awake

My mind is whirling

Where did the time go?

The birds are awake now

But no one else is

Except me and them

And there’s a calmness in that

A secret in that

Like a whisper

And I wait

For the morning sun

To shine through

To awaken the world

And brighten my room

But until then, this is our secret…

-B.

5-24-18

The air…

She hadn’t slept one wink

It had snowed all night

But now it was dawn

The morning light

Just coming up

She went out for her cigarette

The cold, crisp air

Bit her nose

You know, there’s something

About the cold

Something, that made her feel

Feel clean, again

The air, everything around her

Despite the gloominess

The air, had a sense of calmness

It brought peace

A peace

Which she rarely felt

She relished those moments

For, within her was a raging storm

Constant, wildfires

A gift and a curse

Something she carried through life

But in this moment

This one, a wave came over her

Not like the ones that would drown her

But the rare ones, the ones where she could breathe

And she took a deep breath and for a moment it was

Okay…

-B.

12-14-17

What I really think about: texts to my boyfriend.

What’s happened to art? It’s not raw and real anymore. It’s all edited and photoshopped, now. No one cares to see the real beauty in things anymore. It’s so sad. We have this one life, this one place in the world and everyone is too busy trying to edit it to really see the true beauty of it all. There is so much in this world and people just don’t see it. It’s not enough for them anymore. I miss when things were so simple.

We have this innate need to complicate the world. To try and make it something that it’s not. To not see the beauty that’s already there. To need more. It’s so sad. Life is so beautiful and strange and magical. It doesn’t need a filter. We don’t need more.

I think I’m a really strange and rare soul. I have never met anyone who thinks the way I do about the world and life and the love and beauty. I wish there was a way I could touch the lives of millions, spread my words, my love, my art. Not because I want to be famous but because I want to save the world. I want to help people, I want to leave my mark on this world for the better. I want so much but if I can just raise children to see the world as beautifully as I, then that will be enough for me.

-B.

1-16-18

Sky on fire

Sky on fire Like, the emotional 

Nerve endings, I feel 
Peering through the trees 

A blazing array of fiery colors

The sunset glows

Hues of oranges and reds 
The end of a new day 

But not for me 

This is just the beginning 

Because nightfall 

Brings new life
It brings new 

Burns to my 

Already open 

Nerves 
But, I, I survive 
Always…
-B. 

12-14-17

Self-aware Borderline 

You know one of my biggest struggles since I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. You’d think it was a good thing, and in some ways or at least from a therapeutic standpoint it is and should be a good thing but I tell you it is the worst thing ever. 
The thing I’m talking about, is becoming a self-aware borderline. 
The first step in therapy, is to be diagnosed but then it’s to become aware of your “patterns” and behaviors. But not only that in DBT, they teach mindfulness. Which makes you aware of everything, externally and internally. 
The reason why being self-aware as a borderline, is probably the worst thing, is because it makes what we do and how we feel, which is already tenfold, even fucking worse. Like, we have just had all our nerve endings plucked like a guitar, set on fire with kerosine.

In a way, it’s a lot like this other thing that you learn about in DBT, called “wise mind”. Which is the ultimate goal. You want to take your emotional mind and with a rational mind and combine them to create a “wise mind”. 
This is sort of where the problem lies in being self-aware. I can see everything I do, say, or feel from a rational perspective. Understand why it is that way but no matter how much I understand it, I cannot help how I feel or react. My borderline doesn’t care about the rationales. Even if it’s something so insignificant. Like the time my ex boyfriend moved a pillow and I flew into a rage. I knew there was no reason to get that angry, but I did. All he did was move a pillow. It didn’t cause me any harm, I didn’t ask him not to. So, why did I do that? 
You see, noticing things like that. Being aware of things like that, on a daily basis, is horrible. It makes you feel horrible. They tell you in therapy that it helps. It doesn’t. It makes it worse. It ruins your self esteem. It shows you just how fucked you really are. 

It’s like you can see what is going on, you know what to do but you aren’t in control. 
I miss being blissfully unaware. Things seemed so much simpler. All I do now is either apologize, explain myself, self loath, or isolate so I don’t hurt others. This is what knowing does. 
It has helped break some patterns, but at what cost? 
-B. 

11-28-17