Charcoal

I remember yelling at the school counselor who was on the phone with my parents, “ if you send me to boarding school, I’m going to kill myself!”

I was 16. After school, at 7pm, my parents took me to the hospital. My first hospitalization ever.

I’m not going to get into it because this is not what this post is about.

One of the days I was there, my brother came to visit with his then college girlfriend.

I had always loved art. Never took any art classes but I loved art.

Well, my brother comes with this blue beautiful sketchbook and charcoal. Which I had never had or used before. I had only really ever doodled or painted when I was a child.

Well, here I am now, 30. This is a photo of one of my most prized possessions, now a tattered, falling apart old beautiful blue sketchbook and 11 of my charcoal drawings from that time.

Please if you wish, let me know how they make you feel.

-B.

Being his.

What was it like being his?

At first, in the beginning, the first six months… were a dream come true, a fairytale. I was a real live princess and he was Prince Charming. Those were the days. He was everything I ever imagined. He’d carry my books to class for me, open doors, get me sweet presents. We were in love. His parents even showed me around at a party as their future daughter in law.

Then summer came. I was set to go on a teen tour with my best friend for two months. I was utterly sad that I was leaving him but I had my cell phone and would call him every night.

Off I went on the best summer, so, I thought. He started getting jealous but nothing too bad. He was jealous because of two boys on the teen tour I had befriended. We worked through it and I thought we were stronger for it.

Then our sixth month anniversary came. With it, a monster or a total 180. Everything changed. It was too late though, I was completely in love. I’d die for him and he knew it. That was dangerous.

From that first fight on our 6 month until the end, i don’t know what day, I just know the whole thing lasted around 16 and a half months. But from the first fight till the end, I was in hell.

Who knew a 14 year old could be a psychopath, a sociopath, a monster. I’m still reeling from the depraved things of that relationship. It set the course for my life and is why, I started with this.

The can’t remember how the changes started or what they started with but I can tell you what sort of hell I was living in. The things he would do.

The fighting was constant, he was always starting a fight. He was good though, making me think it was my fault. I’m the end I was the one apologizing and feeling horrible. Sometimes after these fights when I would be crying, he’d feel me up. I don’t know why he’d do that. He’d also say, “give me a present”. Meaning show me your boobs.

He got extremely possessive. He always checked my phone to see who I called and wanted to check my phone bill. He had his friends spy on me, to see who I was talking to in school. If I was dressed nice or my hair was nice he would ruin how I looked. If I went out, he would call me and stay on the phone because he knew where the cut out spots where, a way of catching me in a lie.

He was cruel. For my birthday he bought me a razor. He recorded us having phone sex and played it for everyone. He broke up with me before our anniversary and through it in my face for days then took me back. He made fun of my brothers best friend Suicide. He would say things like, “you’re beautiful to only me.”

He was abusive in every way possible. He hurt me physically a few times but it was mostly emotional and mental abuse.

The worst was the sexual abuse.

Demons laugh

The demon took the form of a man

He sold her the fairytale she always dreamed of

She was none the wiser

You see, he was beautiful but not in the way anyone but her could see

For it was an elaborate trap

He wanted to consume her and everything that made her special

So, she fell and he snickered

As days went by, the mask slowly fell

But she had stars in her eyes

No matter how much he showed her

She kept believing in his not existent goodness

And she slowly crumbled

As darkness was taking over

But she kept trying

Because she believed that he had a heart, he must have one

It couldn’t of been a lie

Then one night, he fell to the ground and started laughing… and she knew.

She knew that even if she was to die, at least it would be by his hand

Because she had stars in her eyes…

-B. 6-5-18

Someone?…please!

Someone hear me scream

Please, I need you to hear me

Anyone, hear me

I’m so scared

As the darkness eats away at me

I don’t want to be here anymore

Someone find me

Help me

Get me out of here

Because I don’t think I’m going to make it

-B. 6-11-18

Look at me!

Why don’t you see me

You never see me

You’ve never seen me

Why don’t you hear me

I scream in front of you

I yell at you

But nothing hits you

Why can’t you accept this?

All of this

These pieces

That make up, me

All you see, all you hear

Is everything you want to know

I was never anything

Not in your eyes

Not in my own

Not until I picked myself up…

-B.

1-5-18