Angel of death

Risk it all for love

I never thought

I could do that

Would do that

I don’t even know

Why I love you

The way I do

I’m drawn to you

In an unearthly way

Unexplainable

Magnetic pull

I’d follow you to hell

I’d walk through the fires

And know I was safe

Because I’m by your side

I’d cross oceans

And deserts to find you

You’re my universe

The center of everything that is

And ever will be

And I know you’ll be my downfall…. my angel of death

-B.

11-27-18

Being his.

What was it like being his?

At first, in the beginning, the first six months… were a dream come true, a fairytale. I was a real live princess and he was Prince Charming. Those were the days. He was everything I ever imagined. He’d carry my books to class for me, open doors, get me sweet presents. We were in love. His parents even showed me around at a party as their future daughter in law.

Then summer came. I was set to go on a teen tour with my best friend for two months. I was utterly sad that I was leaving him but I had my cell phone and would call him every night.

Off I went on the best summer, so, I thought. He started getting jealous but nothing too bad. He was jealous because of two boys on the teen tour I had befriended. We worked through it and I thought we were stronger for it.

Then our sixth month anniversary came. With it, a monster or a total 180. Everything changed. It was too late though, I was completely in love. I’d die for him and he knew it. That was dangerous.

From that first fight on our 6 month until the end, i don’t know what day, I just know the whole thing lasted around 16 and a half months. But from the first fight till the end, I was in hell.

Who knew a 14 year old could be a psychopath, a sociopath, a monster. I’m still reeling from the depraved things of that relationship. It set the course for my life and is why, I started with this.

The can’t remember how the changes started or what they started with but I can tell you what sort of hell I was living in. The things he would do.

The fighting was constant, he was always starting a fight. He was good though, making me think it was my fault. I’m the end I was the one apologizing and feeling horrible. Sometimes after these fights when I would be crying, he’d feel me up. I don’t know why he’d do that. He’d also say, “give me a present”. Meaning show me your boobs.

He got extremely possessive. He always checked my phone to see who I called and wanted to check my phone bill. He had his friends spy on me, to see who I was talking to in school. If I was dressed nice or my hair was nice he would ruin how I looked. If I went out, he would call me and stay on the phone because he knew where the cut out spots where, a way of catching me in a lie.

He was cruel. For my birthday he bought me a razor. He recorded us having phone sex and played it for everyone. He broke up with me before our anniversary and through it in my face for days then took me back. He made fun of my brothers best friend Suicide. He would say things like, “you’re beautiful to only me.”

He was abusive in every way possible. He hurt me physically a few times but it was mostly emotional and mental abuse.

The worst was the sexual abuse.

Doomed

Should I of stayed?

Would we have been okay then?

Look at us now

You don’t even see it

You didn’t see it

Two hellbent souls

Trying to love

But too broken to be

Now we’re here

Trying so hard to hold on

But I see what’s happening

The growing distance

This won’t last

This won’t work

This is doomed

It’s always been doomed

A Shakespearean tragedy…

-B. 6-9-18

Beautiful chaos

You’re dangerous

You’re the worst kind of amazing

You are a demon in disguise

I don’t want to let you go

I don’t know how

I can’t

You made me your fool

A doll for your rage

You tricked me

A sense of security

A false love

I am yours

I fall at your words

Hopeless

But how do I let you go,

When I still believe in you?

When I still believe there’s a heart in there

You’re my destruction

My fallen angel

My beautiful chaos.

-B. 6-7-18

Can it work?

A girl once told me, someone I met in a DBT group I was in, that two people with mental illnesses, could never work because it was just too much. 
I’ve been in a relationship with this guy, I’m now living with, for almost a month now, for 3 months. How can I word this properly? He has a very quick temper, never towards me. I’ve known that he has been touched by the darkness, that he carries his own demons but I only recently learned that he was bipolar. 
See, I love psych. Anything psych. That is my niche. And I’m a pretty good reader of people. I’ve been trying to pin him down, since we met but I could never quite read him. I’m usually right, at diagnosing. 
I’m a bit of a psych nerd. Not just from the textbook because textbook psych is bullshit if you ask me. I mean come on, I’m borderline, PTSD, anxiety ridden. Plus, since I was 16, I’ve been diagnosed with various things (that were wrong). So, I hate textbook psych.
But, what I’m getting at here is, not just what this girl told me but I have always had this running joke (that was somewhat true, and I know it’ll piss some people off) that borderlines and bipolars, are at war, they cannot get along. This is just my experience. I only say this because, although we are similar in that we have the mood components, BPD, is like bipolar on crack. That’s just how I explain it to the normies. Of course it’s far more complex than that. 
So, with my borderline temperament and all that entails, his quick temper, constant underlying rage… Which makes for a fun, if he shows the slightest hint of anger, you know the drill… Borderline tailspin! Can this work? 
Can two people, with mental illnesses, be together and work? 

We both want this. 

I just don’t want this to be another tumultuous, quick, spinning out of control, afraid of leaving, putting up with, relationship. 

I’m getting too old (I’m only 28) for this shit. 
But I have learned over the years. I started seeing myself afraid of upsetting him and stopped speaking my mind. I hated it. So I got some balls and was like buck the fuck up. Looked fear in the eye. Now, I’m speaking my mind all the time. 

Also, I saw that we were not communicating well. I nipped that in the butt. So, I am trying. I really am. 
Tell me, what do you think? I really want to know. Thanks. 
-B. 

11-18-17