Inspired

Yesterday morning my little 11 year old 5lb Pomeranian died suddenly with no warning… I have been devastated. Especially being so unbalanced lately with meds and starting my senior semester as a psych research student. Out of all of this, all my friends were nowhere to be found. For months I lost my spark. The one that drives creativity but yesterday I found it in the strength and grief and love for my old companion.

This is what came of it… the last picture is basically finished just need a few finishing touches but in pain is art and in art is pain and in that is solace. Remember that.

What you need to remember: Being Borderline

A text I wrote to my boyfriend when he told me to wear my pain like armor:

I think you sometimes forget you’re with someone who feels things on a scale you’ll never be able to understand. That it’s exactly like I’m a burn victim but with emotional nerve endings being plucked at random and nothing I can do to stop it. Try to wear that immense emotion. When everything you feel is magnified by 100,000. And you have to hold it together all the time because people never feel that much but you do. So they don’t understand why you could hurt so bad about something. Image the worst emotional pain you’ve ever felt and imagine that magnified like trying to kill ants but everyday. And add in other emotions like that. How are you supposed to wear something that hurts so much you can barely hold it up or breathe. There is a reason why my dx is the number one mental illness for not making it. Because image the weight of all those emotions and trying to wear them… it’s like burying yourself in boulders and gasping for air.

I am me

I am not who you tried to mold

I am not who you tried to hold down

I am not who you say I am

I will not be who you want me to be

I am made of many things

Some good, some tragic and some magic

But I am me

And I am free

I am not anyone in a mold

I am stitched from the lives I’ve lived

From the wars I’ve fought

From the love that bursts inside me

I was made from stardust

Exploded millions of years ago

To create a billion things

That finally made me

But I am nothing like you wish

Because I am me

And nothing else

But free…

-B.

5-1-18

She lay there

Fields of wildflowers

The sun beating down on her skin

The fresh breeze, weaving through the trees

Clouds in all the shapes you could imagine

Sky so blue, it was almost crystal

And she just lay there

She lay there, wondrous thoughts

Filling up her mind

She lay there

And hummed the lullaby

She once fell asleep to

She lay there

On this perfect day

And she could breathe

Because to her, this was freedom…

-B.

2-25-18

Eggshells

Eggshells

And

Tiptoeing

Porcelain

And

Fragile

I hate these

I hate these words

I hate these action

I hate the idea

Look at me

Just look

Do you see me?

Really see me?

I don’t need you to

Tiptoe around eggshells

I am not some

Fragile porcelain doll

LOOK AT ME!

HEAR ME!

I DON’T NEED THAT!

Okay?

I can handle it

You know why?

Because

I have seen hell

I have come out the other side

Unsinged

Does that sound

Anything like

A fragile

Porcelain

Needing

Tiptoeing

Around

Eggshells

Person

To you?

I didn’t think so.

-B.

10-18-17

Looked good on her

Freedom looked good on her

This was the first time in her life

The first time she called the shots

That she was in control

This was her life

She took it back

Took it from those who kept her down

Kept her weak

She looked over the edge

And she didn’t fall but she soared

She showed those, who kept her hidden

That she was not all the things they had made her feel

She showed them

Because she had finally found herself

And in that, she found her freedom

She was just her and that was beautiful

She was beautiful for everything she was

Flaws and imperfections

Faults and scars

Hiccups and all

She was her own

And she wore it well

Freedom certainly looked beautiful on her

-B.

12-19-17