Endless

That’s the beauty of life. Endless possibilities and endless adventures. Endless emotions to feel. I think that’s why I haven’t been able to actually go… why I keep trying because there’s too much more to do. So much more to experience. So much more heartache, love, magic and beauty. How could I ever leave that? Even if at the end it was all darkness at least I got to try. Right? I got to love, I got to see beauty, I picked myself up. I kept going. I walked through hell. I survived. Because none of us are making it out alive.

-B.

2-22-19

Tarnished

I hear the wind

Rustling through the trees

A warm spring day

The windows open

I can feel a breeze on my skin

Cool and warm

Out my window

All green

The sun is shining

But inside me

Is a darkness

An aching pain

That doesn’t relent

What once was beautiful

Is now tarnished with the darkness

I’m falling over the edge

this time I don’t think I’ll be pulled back

This time, I think it’s going to stick

-B. 6-12-18

The truth about music.

Music…

A saving grace, for the hopeless, the lost, the hurt, the fallen, the broken… a gleam of hope in the darkness.

So, I thought, all these years.

Then tonight, while listening to ‘We fight’ by Dashboard Confessional, it hit me. Like a lightbulb went off, kinda like those cartoons.

That feeling you get, that feeling when you hear a song, the best way I can put it is with a quote I once heard… “the good thing about music, is once it hits you, you feel no pain…”

that feeling, when it hits you, when you feel that glimmer of hope again. When the pain goes away, the terrible realities of the world slip away and all you’re left with is blissful melodies of a brighter future… that feeling that music gives you…

I realized, tonight, that it’s a mirage. It’s a fantasy world dancing on the tongues of the lead singer into your head from your headphones, speakers, wherever you are hearing these magical melodies.

Like sirens, they are there to lull us, twist us, create beautiful worlds in our pretty little minds. If just for a few minutes, to take the pain away.

The sense of security, hope, anything that these words, lines, make you feel are an aberration of what is really there.

In no way am I saying this is wrong. In fact I think it’s amazing. How music, just the words of just some stranger, someone who you know nothing about, can sing exactly what is in your heart or exactly what you needed to hear.

How so interconnected we are as beings but how truly alone we can feel.

How music, transcends all languages to not only touch the mind and heart but our aching souls. To create an inner dialogue and purpose in all those that needed one.

How beautifully and gracefully we can communicate across the world. How one song, one lyric can pierce the coldest hearts and warm them, bringing them to their knees. Creating thousands of broken souls into one cheering hopeful moment in time.

Sometimes I get passionate…

-B.

2-12-18

2017

2017, pretty much a big fuck you but with a cherry on top. A very big sweet red cherry on top.

The highlights; I failed nursing school, I got back in, passed my third semester and made it to my final semester but not before the worst and best summer of my life.

The summer of 2017, started out amazing. I was ready to study for school, I had friends, new friends, I had purpose. Then I was all alone. Everyone fell off the face of the earth. I couldn’t study. I was all alone, all the time.

I learned a lot in my loneliness. I learned to take care of my myself. Become healthy. Even lost 20 lbs.

I got back into my art, in any creative outlet I could. Writing, photography, drawing, making jewelry.

I learned how to cope. Cope in a healthy way. Listening to music again, art, going to the river. I learned to be alone and be okay with it. I started to enjoy myself, my company. I have never done that.

I decided it was time to meet people, specifically start a relationship, and maybe make some friends. I set out on a few dating websites. I went out on a few meets.

But, the second to last one… July 30th… I’ll never forget. I made 17 cigarettes for that night. It’s funny the things you remember. That night, I was raped.

I didn’t think of it walking back to the car. Not until I started the car and an overwhelming urge to vomit came over me. The next weeks were hell. I was late. My period was late.

But for some reason, I kept talking to another guy I had given my number to. I remember the day after it happened, he texted me for the first time. I was skittish and I was not really into it but over the next few weeks he was persistent.

I eventually told him what happened. I hadn’t told anyone. Not even my mom. I trusted him. There was something about him. He had been touched by the darkness too. I just knew.

I finally got my period, day 40 of my cycle. A week before I had told my mom. She urged me to go to the police but in the past when I went to them about my past, they never believed me, there was no justice. So, you understand why I didn’t trust them.

Time went on, I was numb, depressed, drinking. I barely left my room, the chair in the corner by the window. Where I sat and smoked. But he was there to talk. He was the only person I spoke to.

I didn’t withdraw from school, I thought going would help. I tried to study before the semester but I couldn’t and my mother was not helpful. Always on me about studying.

In August, that guy and I got closer. He asked me to be his on the 15th. He knew I was fucked up, he knew I was not interested in anything sexual but he wanted me. All of me. So I said yes.

I was in a downward spiral. Looking for anything to help. I met him, he made me feel safe. In control.

School started but we made it work. He lived over an hour up north. He would come once a week and get a hotel room. School got bad, my home life got worse. I was drowning. It was worse than the summer.

I decided to leave my last semester at school. I just couldn’t. The PTSD had set in. My moms abuse was too much.

I had finally had enough. I left. At 28, I left. I stood up for myself and left. He saved me. I packed all my stuff up in my car and his. He took me home.

Then I went back. I thought it would be different but it wasn’t.

Days later, he saved me again and I never went back.

I don’t know what I would have done if I had never met him.

It’s 2018, now. Life is hard. I’m just learning to be an adult and I still take baby steps. I still ask for help with everything. Being under my mothers thumb, feeling feeble for so long, has damaged me good but I got this.

I guess what I’m saying is, it’s never too late. Follow your heart. Follow your dreams.

-B.

1-12-17

Stay with me…

I stared out the window Watching the trees 

The sky 

The world 
Time stopped here 

Well, life did 

 

It was a safe place 

A place to heal

A place where the demons 

Dare not go 
I would sit in the windowsill 

For hours 

Listening to “stay with me” 

by Clint mansell 

on repeat 
I did that 

Because I was losing myself 

As I watched the world 

I needed to remember 

I needed this place 

To find myself 
And now

Once again 

I’m listening 

To that song 

Because 

I’m 

Losing 

Myself 
-B. 

10-13-17

Your heart 

Your heart Beats within you 

Even before you 

Beautiful you 

Take your first breath 
To you 

To you, it may feel fragile 

It may feel as if it has 

broken into a million little pieces 

A thousand times over 
But your heart 

It beats 

It beats strong 

Never resting 

From that moment 

Before you are here 

Before your first breath 

Until your very last breath 
Your heart 

Though it may feel 

As if it has been torn 

Every which way 

Is still beating 

Pumping life 

Into your veins 
Your heart 

Is yours 

Follow it

Always… 
-B. 

10-9-17

I gotchu…

And just like thatI realized 

My own strength 
Not for myself 

But for you 
That if you were ever in need 

I could pick you up 

That I had your back 
And that was the first time 

The first time

That I ever felt strong for someone 

For someone else’s darkness 
And in that 

I knew 

That 

This

Was

For 

Real…
-B. 

9-30-17