Inspired

Yesterday morning my little 11 year old 5lb Pomeranian died suddenly with no warning… I have been devastated. Especially being so unbalanced lately with meds and starting my senior semester as a psych research student. Out of all of this, all my friends were nowhere to be found. For months I lost my spark. The one that drives creativity but yesterday I found it in the strength and grief and love for my old companion.

This is what came of it… the last picture is basically finished just need a few finishing touches but in pain is art and in art is pain and in that is solace. Remember that.

Endless

That’s the beauty of life. Endless possibilities and endless adventures. Endless emotions to feel. I think that’s why I haven’t been able to actually go… why I keep trying because there’s too much more to do. So much more to experience. So much more heartache, love, magic and beauty. How could I ever leave that? Even if at the end it was all darkness at least I got to try. Right? I got to love, I got to see beauty, I picked myself up. I kept going. I walked through hell. I survived. Because none of us are making it out alive.

-B.

2-22-19

Theory about life

I’m just abstract in the way I do and see things. I don’t believe that things need to be done in a certain order or that money is all too important. I believe in doing what makes you happy and following your dreams. I believe that there is time to change if you don’t like something. That life is about trying to experience everything, the good or bad. That society shouldn’t define how your life plays out, what types of people you should know or be. That life is messy and meant to be explored in every facet. Fail and fail again until something sticks. There is no correct way to life. It just happens the way it happens. Ya know?

-B.

9-23-18

The greatest story

This is hard

This is really hard

I’m not going to lie

You’re a stubborn grump

I’m an emotional ball of twine

You’re snarky and testy

I’m needy and damaged

You’re anger

I’m the emotional spectrum

You’re regimented

I’m all over the place

We’re two different souls

Intertwined in this place

Going through time

Finding our own way

But this is not easy

No one ever said it was

I don’t think anything great is easy

I guess that means…

We’re the greatest story ever told.

-B.

1-17-18

Psychiatric meds: a frustrated rant

Nowadays, it seems like, they don’t want to see you get better. They want to create consumers. That is, Big Pharma, the Dr’s, hospitals, intensive outpatient treatments, any place that would have you on medication management for psychiatric disorders.

I am speaking from my own experience of course. I mean, I will be the first to tell you that psych medication is a great thing. I find it endlessly fascinating. And in the right circumstance, I think it can be a very useful tool. But far too often, we are overprescribing these medications and not dealing with the problems at hand.

Take for instance, inpatient treatment. It’s more about, medicating and pushing you out the door, than really getting to the root of the problem through therapeutic means. I know, I know, inpatient is supposed to be for rapid stabilization but still, they don’t even help you with facing life once you’re back on the outside. So, what’s even the point of stabilizing you in the first place? (I know, I’m a bit dramatic)

What I’m trying to say is, at least in my case, and what I’ve seen with so many others, first hand, is that they would rather put you on medication. Medication that has a block box warning, rather than try to teach you to handle your emotions and the things in life that seem too hard. They would rather sweep it under the rug, than really put any effort into seeing what is wrong because a quick fix is a quick fix. I know that sometimes and at first it might be needed but then it becomes such a crutch, you just rely on the medication to help you.

As, I’m writing this, I am realizing I’m going to get some backlash. I just want to say, there is nothing wrong with taking medication. Hell, I take a cocktail of meds. More than most patients do, trust me I know, I’ve gotten flack for it.

I’m just frustrated because now that I’ve been on these meds for so long, I don’t know how to handle my emotions off them. I tried and it was a disaster. I don’t want to be dependent on medication my whole life, I want to learn to not be afraid of who I am, I want to learn to handle my emotions and my ups and downs.

So, that’s the end of my rant. I hope I didn’t offend anyone.

-B. 6-16-18

I am me

I am not who you tried to mold

I am not who you tried to hold down

I am not who you say I am

I will not be who you want me to be

I am made of many things

Some good, some tragic and some magic

But I am me

And I am free

I am not anyone in a mold

I am stitched from the lives I’ve lived

From the wars I’ve fought

From the love that bursts inside me

I was made from stardust

Exploded millions of years ago

To create a billion things

That finally made me

But I am nothing like you wish

Because I am me

And nothing else

But free…

-B.

5-1-18

In her head

She was always in her head

Most times it was her only solace

It was her place to escape

Escape the harsh realities of her world

She was always in her head

This was her place where she was always dreaming

Dreaming of beautiful things

Things she wanted, wished…

and against her nature, hoped

And when she was doing this

Her mind was a safe place

A place where no one could hurt her

Where she was untouchable

Where she feared nothing

But it was always bittersweet in the end

Because though she, dreamed, wished, hoped…

Her reality was never quite like she imagined… but at least she had this place.

-B.

2-25-18