Beautiful chaos

You’re dangerous

You’re the worst kind of amazing

You are a demon in disguise

I don’t want to let you go

I don’t know how

I can’t

You made me your fool

A doll for your rage

You tricked me

A sense of security

A false love

I am yours

I fall at your words

Hopeless

But how do I let you go,

When I still believe in you?

When I still believe there’s a heart in there

You’re my destruction

My fallen angel

My beautiful chaos.

-B. 6-7-18

Look at me!

Why don’t you see me

You never see me

You’ve never seen me

Why don’t you hear me

I scream in front of you

I yell at you

But nothing hits you

Why can’t you accept this?

All of this

These pieces

That make up, me

All you see, all you hear

Is everything you want to know

I was never anything

Not in your eyes

Not in my own

Not until I picked myself up…

-B.

1-5-18

5am

5 am

I have not slept a wink

Staring out the window

Laying in bed

Waiting for the morning light

The sun to rise

For the rays to shine through

My heart is pounding

I am exhausted

But I am awake

My mind is whirling

Where did the time go?

The birds are awake now

But no one else is

Except me and them

And there’s a calmness in that

A secret in that

Like a whisper

And I wait

For the morning sun

To shine through

To awaken the world

And brighten my room

But until then, this is our secret…

-B.

5-24-18

In her head

She was always in her head

Most times it was her only solace

It was her place to escape

Escape the harsh realities of her world

She was always in her head

This was her place where she was always dreaming

Dreaming of beautiful things

Things she wanted, wished…

and against her nature, hoped

And when she was doing this

Her mind was a safe place

A place where no one could hurt her

Where she was untouchable

Where she feared nothing

But it was always bittersweet in the end

Because though she, dreamed, wished, hoped…

Her reality was never quite like she imagined… but at least she had this place.

-B.

2-25-18

She lay there

Fields of wildflowers

The sun beating down on her skin

The fresh breeze, weaving through the trees

Clouds in all the shapes you could imagine

Sky so blue, it was almost crystal

And she just lay there

She lay there, wondrous thoughts

Filling up her mind

She lay there

And hummed the lullaby

She once fell asleep to

She lay there

On this perfect day

And she could breathe

Because to her, this was freedom…

-B.

2-25-18

The truth about music.

Music…

A saving grace, for the hopeless, the lost, the hurt, the fallen, the broken… a gleam of hope in the darkness.

So, I thought, all these years.

Then tonight, while listening to ‘We fight’ by Dashboard Confessional, it hit me. Like a lightbulb went off, kinda like those cartoons.

That feeling you get, that feeling when you hear a song, the best way I can put it is with a quote I once heard… “the good thing about music, is once it hits you, you feel no pain…”

that feeling, when it hits you, when you feel that glimmer of hope again. When the pain goes away, the terrible realities of the world slip away and all you’re left with is blissful melodies of a brighter future… that feeling that music gives you…

I realized, tonight, that it’s a mirage. It’s a fantasy world dancing on the tongues of the lead singer into your head from your headphones, speakers, wherever you are hearing these magical melodies.

Like sirens, they are there to lull us, twist us, create beautiful worlds in our pretty little minds. If just for a few minutes, to take the pain away.

The sense of security, hope, anything that these words, lines, make you feel are an aberration of what is really there.

In no way am I saying this is wrong. In fact I think it’s amazing. How music, just the words of just some stranger, someone who you know nothing about, can sing exactly what is in your heart or exactly what you needed to hear.

How so interconnected we are as beings but how truly alone we can feel.

How music, transcends all languages to not only touch the mind and heart but our aching souls. To create an inner dialogue and purpose in all those that needed one.

How beautifully and gracefully we can communicate across the world. How one song, one lyric can pierce the coldest hearts and warm them, bringing them to their knees. Creating thousands of broken souls into one cheering hopeful moment in time.

Sometimes I get passionate…

-B.

2-12-18

This took a turn

Don’t you hate that? How the night before, you feel motivated, have a plan for the next day, even feel a little motivated the second you wake up. But then, it starts slowly. Something feels a little off. You make up excuses for it. It hits you, you feel a little off.

That realization, that moment. The moment you realize it’s you, you’re the one who feels off. That’s when it happens. You start slowly spiraling. Not too bad at first, though. Not very noticeable because you’ve put it in the back of your mind. Well, at least you think you did. But it’s growing. It gets bigger and bigger. You start actively thinking about your anxieties, fears, mistakes, things that make you wrong as a person. Things you’ve decided are true, that must be true because why else would you feel this way. Why else would it be so damn hard, so damn exhausting to get yourself to make at least one phone call, check off one thing on your list.

You make up these things, these facts about yourself, convinced they are true but in fact are the complete opposite. Yes, maybe it’s exhausting to fight yourself to even get one thing done on the list but you did it. You, on your bad day, got something done. Even if you didn’t manage to get something on your list done, you managed and you know fucking what? That in itself is strength.

People don’t see mental illness, not all the time. They don’t see what we are fighting. How fucking exhausting it is. How the simplest thing makes you tired and ashamed because you can’t do it like the “normies” can but fuck them. You are, I am, so much stronger for it. We have to fight everyday. It’s not easy. Life’s not easy, but we do it.

So, this started as a rant but turned into a pep talk. I think mostly I needed to hear it. I needed to know it was okay. But if anyone else needed to know, know it’s okay to survive, it’s okay to just breathe. It’s okay. You’ll be okay.

-B.

1-30-18